Where my single ladies at?!!!

I do apologize for cutting out my sisters from the other side of the margin in my last post- seriously, it was not deliberate. I guess I just got carried away, as usual, with my ranting again. So, this one right here is my attempt to make it up to you. Do I detect small smiles of forgiveness?

I cannot begin to imagine the kind of pressures you are under. I was single once and I know how it must feel. The constant wondering, whenever you meet someone new, whether he is ‘the one’ or not. Where do all these pressures come from, anyway? Society? Other married friends? Movies? Our sexual drives? Perhaps, it sometimes begins with our mothers telling us, from the time we understand, that apart from getting good grades in school, the very next thing to make us fulfilled human beings is to be happily married.

From the first time I got my first period, my mom instructed me to start praying about that man I was one day going to marry. I was only too glad to since I already knew the kind of guy I had in mind-or at least, I thought I did. “Lord, make him a tall, black version of an M&B guy, Amen!” But as time went on, I began to have a clearer picture of the other attributes that will make him fit for a princess like me.

In retrospect, I will take this time to say a colossal “THANK YOU” to God for not making me a part of the ‘in-crowd’ in Secondary school! Back then, it hurt not be asked to dance at the ‘out-of-school-uniform-founders-day’ dance back then. I used to lie to myself that even if it meant turning them down, it would have been nice to be asked. Now, I know I would have jumped right into the thick of the party and had me a glorious time! And probably gotten lost in the whole mix of things.

You see, back then I had a very low image of myself and saw myself as very 'unfine'. So, if God had allowed any one of the cool boys pay me any attention, I would have been only too grateful and allowed the guys all sorts of excesses! Perhaps, my mother sensed this and so insisted that my sister and I sport low cut throughout secondary school! God also made sure we had no access to baffs so that all thoughts of being invited to the cool parties and attend cool events in school were totally scrapped! Now, I can look back and say that I’m glad that so many things were withheld from me because it forced my sister and I to look for other ways to have wholesome fun and immense ourselves in books, movies, music and as such, have little or no time for guys! We were too busy planning one church event or the other or arranging one dance routine or trying to put together one fund raising get-together. So, in our own church setting, we still had plenty of fun activities.

My first boyfriend was in JSS 3 and he was quite a sweetheart.  He wasn’t much of an M&B guy but he was just right for then. The most we did was walk around with my arms around his shoulders and his arm around my waist and gist about books and movies. Sounds really cute and harmless right now but back then, my heart would beat so fast I was sure I was going to pass out from the feel of his hands there. It felt like fire, I tell you. Delicious fire! Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t last long because I guess we weren’t mature enough to know what next to do.

The second ‘boyfriend’ (if you will call him that) was when I was in SS1. A friend set us up and I did most of the talking while he watched and listened to me gush about Michael Jackson. I do believe all the ladies out there that knew me back then will roll their eyes and smile because my sister and I were die-hard MJ fans! I mean, he was all we wanted to talk about and when I found someone willing to listen, I was in the 7th  heavens. Maybe he was so taken by my passion for MJ or something because I honestly did not believe that anyone would find me attractive with my low cut and funny clothes.

Anyway, the second time we saw, he told me he was off to Uni and I was broken by the news. So broken that right there on the mainroad, I grabbed him and gave him a 10 seconds kiss- yep, with cars driving by and all that! My sister was livid but I was too stunned for hours afterwards to remember all the angry things she was saying. That relationship didn’t last long either because I later found out that he was going with some Cameroonian princess. To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. Didn’t our kiss mean anything to him? I guess not!

 By the time I was in SS2 and somewhat healed, I announced to my friends that I was going to fast and pray for a boyfriend. They laughed and teased that there was no way God was going to answer such a silly prayer but I was done moping around for the old one. Months later, God did. He was a tall, light skinned, Will Smith look-alike and the yummiest thing I’d seen in a long time. The first time we met, we spent hours talking and before long, I was in love.

We soon started a long-distance relationship (he was based in Enugu while I was based in Ibadan) that was kept alive by our 30 page, foolscap sheet letters, front and back! My friends were soon bored with our letters because it was filled with was recounts of our day-to-day activities and scriptures! Yes o- this guy was a serious Holy Ghost brother! God knows that Jesus wasn’t the first thing I wanted to talk about with him! Mehn, all I wanted to tell him was what his eyes did to my soul and how his hands burned my skin (the few seconds his hands brushed my arm) and how his spoken words stirred up something so deep (which I had thought was dead) and how my insides turned to mush every time he called. You can be sure I told him all that since I was never one to hide the way I felt.

But I guess he was a wee bit too shy to come out and since Jesus was all he wanted to talk about, I was on board because I would have followed him to the ends of the earth if he only asked. I was also excited about this guy because he made the scriptures so cool and come alive. I was challenged by his depth of understanding of scripture so much so that I started to read the Bible so that I will have something cool and equally intelligent to say back in my replies. Maybe over the course of time, I started to impress him because, he started opening up and coming out to express feelings of love as well. So, the letters were doubly fun; filled with words of love and devotion and inspiring Words of scripture. He was the perfect boyfriend and I couldn’t have been more grateful to God.

Soon enough, our romance came to the knowledge of my ever watchful mother. She began to ask me some questions about him and when I told her that he was from a polygamous home, she just closed up and told me to end it! Was she serious?! There was no way on earth I was going to break things up with this divine human being! Anyway, we started looking for other ways to keep our love a secret but it soon became apparent to anyone who knew us that we were inseparable.

When the pressure became too much, I decided one Saturday morning, to go to the vacant room in the bq to do my quiet time and ask God “how far?”. So, from the deep crevices of my soul, I poured out my heart to God. I reminded Him about how I had asked for a boyfriend and how I believed He gave me this guy. I told Him about how this guy had helped me to be a lot more serious about Jesus and gospel runs and how much I loved him.  I told Him about all the grief my mum was giving me about this relationship and how I was so sure that this guy was the one I was to spend the rest of my life with. However, I told Him that just in case my mum was right, I didn’t want anything that was not His will and I was more than ready to go along with anything He told me (even though I was more than sure He was the guy for me).

I had my pen, paper and wrist watch ready and waiting for a response because honestly, I was sick and tired of all the secrecy and lying and I wanted to know for sure if Enugu guy was ‘the one’  or not! Now, to those who believe that God doesn’t talk or interfere with matters of the heart, I am here to debunk that notion! I mean, there I was, a desperate girl of 18 seated and actually expecting the Creator of the entire cosmos to tell me if my secret boyfriend was the young man I was to marry. Perhaps He saw my sincerity and had mercy on me because out of nowhere, I heard a voice.  And before you roll your eyes o, chill! It wasn't an audible but a voice in your heart that you know beyond a shadow of doubt is not your thought. I'm sure Believers reading this can relate. 

He told me that Enugu guy was NOT the one. Whaaaaat?!!! You can only imagine how broken I was. I was writing the words as they came with tears pouring down my face. He told me some other things that I just kept scribbling but it was the fact that God wasn’t in the mix with this guy and myself that tore me up. I just wanted to fall down and die. Then, I began to wonder why He had brought this guy my way if he wasn’t going to be the one I was to end up with.

God didn’t answer that unspoken question then but over time, He helped me to realize that some people are positioned in strategic places in our lives to help us. They are like road signs to point us in the direction of God. I believe Enugu guy was placed in my life to help me get serious with God because you see, that year I met him was the year I was told to repeat SS2. It meant me falling back to join my younger sister’s class and I should have been completely broken up about it. But, you see, God got me praying earlier about a good relationship… of course He knew I was going to need all the comfort and reaffirmation I could get when the report card came. So when this guy arrived on the scene, God made sure he was one filled with the Holy Ghost, filled with cheering words of life from scripture to encourage me to be better than I ever thought possible. The result therefore was that by the time I was leaving secondary school, the girl who used to come practically last in class and so unsure of herself with a damaged self esteem became the school’s handball captain, was on the commendation list, a member of the school choir, friend to some of the teachers and top of her class in major subjects. I even graduated with 5 As in my SSCE, first place prize in Christian Religious Knowledge and admission to study Law in University of Ibadan! Things I would never had thought possible before!

 Fast-forward to the day I got my Law school posting. The minute I got it, and I saw I was posted to the Enugu Campus and I stood there and broke out laughing like a mad woman. Like, "what do You have up your sleeves, Father-God?" I asked God, “Why did you send me to Enugu? Cos You know I am so going to look for Enugu guy!” I can just see God smiling because He knew that was exactly what I was going to do! I landed the Enugu campus on Friday evening and by Sunday morning, I was out of campus and in a town I had never been before, looking for my long lost friend.

What I found was a totally different person from the one I knew as a teenager. They say change is the only thing that is constant but I was so not prepared for this 360˚ kind of turnaround! He had just lost his older brother to cancer and was quite torn-up and I could completely understood that. The part I didn’t understand was the great bitterness he felt towards God. He somehow felt that God had cheated him out of a bright future because having just graduated from Uni, he was looking forward to going off to join his now-dead-brother in South Africa and so all he could see was shattered dreams.

Oh, I felt that this was my turn to bless and encourage him with words from scripture like he had done for me during my difficult time in Secondary school. I was prepared to love-up on him and comfort him in his time of need. What I wasn’t prepared for was the way he was  repugnant to anything God or Jesus. Bringing up those two names always turned him brusque and sometimes down-right mean! He wanted nothing to do with God! Not only that, He was no longer as kind and as considerate. He was rude, selfish and really not a nice human being. Maybe it was due to the loss of his brother but after subsequent visits to check up on him, the words of God that Saturday morning flashed in my mind. I now clearly understood why God had unequivocally said that this guy wasn’t the one. It had hurt back then but now, I was more than grateful He had spared me the horror of what had become of this person!

Rewind back to gaining admission into Uni! Ah, the excitement of the freedom and chance to meet different guys from all kinds of backgrounds. At this point my mother had some extra rules. She insisted that we should each make a written out, detailed list of the kind of guy we wanted to marry and every birthday anniversary, we should present this list to God. She also had a list of her own and she expressly stated that on no account must we bring home a guy who:

1)      Was from a broken or polygamous home

2)      Was from a Muslim-converted-to-Christianity home

3)      Was of the AS blood group

May sound intense and maybe offensive to most folks out there but that was my mother for you. She was quite serious about her specifications and when she caught whiff of a man sniffing around her girls, these 3 questions where the very first she was going to ask. Naturally, it went without saying that the guy must be from a family where the parents were born-again, committed Christians. Left to her, she would rather the guy from a background where to the 4th generation, all parents were born-again!

Then, it was a bit harsh since all the guys I was meeting and falling in desperate love with were from broken or polygamous homes. The ones from ‘normal’ families always had one issue or the other. I soon came to the conclusion that maybe my mom’s rules won’t apply to me. But the thing I did obey her was ‘the list’. Over the course of time, I sat down and wrote over a 100 qualities of the guy I wanted. Thankfully, I had progressed from him just being ‘tall, black and M&B-ish’, I was getting pretty specific about things like kindness, years older than me, smells good, born again and Spirit-filled, a good kisser, generous, heavy dose of pop-culture e.t.c.

Every guy I met from then on, was always weighed in line with the dictates of my mom’s specifications and the 100+ qualities and if he fell short, his behind got kicked to the curb. If I liked him enough, I hung around and played with him and when I got tired, his ass was gone. Of course, along the line I strayed from ‘the path’ but with a very vocal and unrelenting mother screaming in our heads, such straying was quite short lived.

Mehn, I met all sorts! From the sweethearts to the down-right scary ones! For instance, I met one who after some discussions, I perceived had the spirit of divination because there were some things he knew that no human could have told him. One day he shook my shoulders, commanded me to look at him and declared that he was the perfect law of liberty (as talked about in James 1) just like Jesus was the Word of God become flesh. And right after such a proclamation, he whipped out a condom and advised that we merged our bodies together and become one in soul and spirit! Didn’t need the services of a Hebrew prophet, right after that, to advise me to take to my heels! It was quite a shame though because he looked just like an M&B man (you know, tall, broad shoulders and a hint of arrogance e.t.c.) but I guess was quite crazy in the head! Lol!

And there were some that were just perfect! But whenever I brought them before God, I either got a big fat ‘no’ or time just showed that they were playing tricks with my mind. I never delved in the realm of married men, though! I just knew that all the games I had been playing with the single ones can’t be going down too well with God and there was no way He was going to back me up if I had any yawa with these other kinds. I ran into 3 of them though but no matter how charming they were, if they came too close like wanting to get physical, I was always quick to take to run like the wind. At the back of my mind, I knew that there was no way I would be happy if I knew that there was a young girl out there playing around with my husband and what I can’t take I would most certainly not offer it to another woman like me!

Sisters, I could go on and regale you with tales of my escapades and all the atrocities I did as a single, adventurous and insatiable girl but I still want to have friends after this write-up. Besides, how will such gory anecdotes edify you, right? So, here’s the 411-

                                                          KEEP YOURSELF PURE!!!

Funny that such a statement should be coming from me, right?! But when all is said and done, keeping along the dictates of the express dictates of what God says is truly the best way to live. I will be the first to admit that sometimes, that could be just boring and dull, but that again depends on how you look at it.

First off, sleeping around has so many down sides with little or no advantages. I won’t deceive you and say I understand the mysteries behind sex in the way the Apostle Paul discusses it in 1 Cor. 5 & 7 but I can assure you that the sense of guilt and worthlessness afterwards is not an indication of the presence of a delirious-with-joy Holy Ghost.

The truth is that sex is an indescribably beautiful experience created by God for a man and woman within the safe confines of marriage. However, Hollywood has twisted it around and spun lies about it being alright “as long as you do it with someone you are in love with.” The down-side to believing that lie is that it becomes addictive; just like any intravenous drug. (especially if you fall into the hands of guys who sabi the thing.) Just like any drug, it leaves a bitter after-taste and a terrible down-feeling, especially for the Christian- the feeling you get after wards is guilt. So to deaden that overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, you find yourself doing it over and over again till you become calloused and insensitive to the warnings of the Holy Spirit regarding that area. So, rather than bless you, sex outside marriage depletes you, whether you want to accept it or not!

For us chicks, when we keep ourselves pure, we don’t have to worry that the stupid guy has gotten us preggers if our periods come terribly late. We don’t have to worry that the guy is talking trash about you to his friends (because let me tell you- even if the worst thing you let him do to you was allowing him to suck on your boobs or finger you, you can be sure that he’s telling his friends all about how he has not only screwed you silly but how you can’t get enough of giving him a head… he will, however, leave out the part about the huge pity you feel for him every time he whips out his tiny digglehopper!!! *hiss*). You don’t have to worry about catching any strange diseases. I personally believe that God asks women to keep themselves pure because at the end of the day He’s trying to protect us.  

This is not to say that the only thing about relationships is sex and all other related activities.

 There is so much more! You can take this time to forge deep, pure friendships. You can be sure that no matter how attracted you are to a guy, if you somehow manage to keep your legs closed and still drive him crazy with your beauty, charm, wit, intelligence, sense of style you will forever have his respect. We all know that rap about being good girls and all that but there is a whole lot of good and truth in it. Just like Eve, we shouldn’t march around thinking that God is withholding ‘the good stuff’ and then get out on our own and try to find it for ourselves. I can boldly say that there is no woman out there who can say with all sincerity that she was glad she slept around! Deeeeep down in every woman is the desire to belong to only one man and be possessed, loved, adored and cherished by this same one man. A man who will give her everything she needs to nourish her spirit, soul and body.

The sad truth, however, is that no one human being can meet all those needs. We have these needs met by different types of men along our lives. This, on the other hand, does not give us the license to give our bodies to every single man that meets these different needs. Let me explain what I mean.

For instance, your boyfriend/fiancé can’t love you enough to die for your sins and even if he can, he’s not even qualified to. Hence, the position of Jesus to take care of that pesky sin business. All He asks in return is for us to give our lives to Him so that He can fix it and give us something much better- life to its fullest in this life and hereafter.

Next is that issue of no woman being an island. You need to be part of a society in order to be productive and relevant to it. Society begins with the family that should consist of a father, mother and children. Here again, we know that no matter how much you love your father, brother, Uncles or cousins, you can’t have sex with them! *gag*. They are there to meet that need for protection, provision and a sense belonging.

Going wide in the societal circle are our drivers, the security guard/policemen, teachers, classmates, friends, principal, pastors, persons in places of influence or authority e.t.c. Just because we admire them or feel somewhat indebted to them does not mean we should allow them to ‘play’ with us. You see what I mean?

In that same vein, God has placed certain male figures of Himself to do some work in our lives and then move on. It is now our duty to recognize the purpose(s) for which every single male in our lives functions, learn the lesson we need to learn, thank God for that opportunity to learn and develop and then move on to maturity. I wish I had known this much earlier because it would have helped to give me focus, and not spread my affections and waste my time and energy on folks that were never designed to be permanent fixtures in my life or destiny.

Ladies, every single one of you bears so much of the anointing of God! So much so that a lot of the guys you are hanging around with have no business whatsoever playing around your bodies (and while we are it even your minds)! They don’t even have any business dusting your shoes. But some of us have allowed some agents of the enemy to speak some terrible things into our lives, toy with our minds and then go around spreading the gospel of death to our reputations and future happiness. Some of us have even permitted some demon-possessed souls to lay hands of anger on our bodies. Sisters, this should not be!

We are designed by God to bring balance, virtue, purity, finesse, beauty, growth and life to anything or person we come in contact with. We are designed by God to be loved, admired, adored, worshipped and cherishedn! You are not here to mother any man or do for him what his mother should. You are there to make his life calmer, peaceful, productive and more beautiful. He, in turn, should care, cherish, love, respect and adore you. If he doesn’t do any of the above, I hold you responsible because like they say, to get respect you have to earn it and obviously you have not earned his respect! If he hits you, I blame you because you have given him the permission to! You have not married him and he has started you on the way to pre-maturely ending God’s calling on your life. He has not sworn before God and your families to love and cherish you and you have already given him the right to destroy you mentally, psychologically and emotionally! Listen to me now and run for your life. This alone is an indication that God is not in the mix and that’s the truth.com right there!

How does God talk to you and tell you that Mr. So-and-So is or isn’t the one? Well, I’ll in return ask you how He talks to you about buying a particular pair of shoes! If you have never given God the time or day to dictate to you on little things like if you should eat vegetables or chocolate, then how would you know when He’s talking about life-altering issues like career decisions or life partner?! Just like trying to develop your butt muscles to look like Kim Kardashian’s, I challenge you to begin to develop hearing God. Always have a pen and paper with you so that when you hear that voice in your heart (not your head), write it down and watch and see whether what ‘the voice’ said comes true or not! Another way is to check if the words are contrary to what the Bible says. If they do go contrary, you probably need an exorcist or something! Lol!

Some folks talk about having a sense of peace or calm about something they pray about. And that is quite in line with the scripture because the Bible says in 2 Tim. 1:7 that God has not given a spirit of fear but He has given unto us a Spirit of Power, of love and a sound mind. So, if you find yourself praying regarding a guy and no matter how you say the prayer, you have no sound mind, RUN! Don’t try to negotiate, rationalize or couples-therapy it away. God is telling you to flee and you best just obey!

To the ladies who already have life partners and waiting for the big day, I will only repeat what you already know to do- No sampling of the goods! You need to make up your mind to keep yourself pure. If not, you are an accident waiting to happen! This is the time to invest in each other in other areas. Spend time getting to know this guy and develop friendship.

Haven’t you seen some couples where the woman is terrified of the man? Watching them, it is almost impossible to think that there was a time this same terror of a man moved heaven and earth in order to marry her. So, if you don’t want that to happen to you and want the kind of relationship Cliff and Clare from the Cosby Show had, then you better ease up on the lip locking and spend time in discussions. Find out what he likes, how responds in anger, how many kids he wants, what are his plans with the next 5 years, what kind of food he likes, what church to attend, what language to speak to the kids, family traditions you would both like to cultivate in your new one e.t.c. Mehn, there are so many things to talk about and discover about each other. All of this is important so that when you get married, there are hardly any surprises. There is nothing I detest more than when I ask a lady about to marry a simple question concerning her groom-to-be and she says, “I don’t know!” How retarded is that?!

This is, however, not the time to be doing his laundry or cooking his meals. He should be looking for ways to make you comfortable not looking for how to enslave you before he puts a ring on it!  Whatever you don’t like, tell him now and let him know before you guys get married. Don’t play silly games like ladies in the world who act all humble and soft-spoken in order to trap a guy and then transform to tigresses as soon as the priest declares them man and wife! You won’t like it if you find out that he was lying and pretending to be an angel only to find out that he was evil personified after you get married. So, if he’s your friend like you say, be plain, kind and do to him what you want him to do to you! No games- you are too royal to be caught doing what only commoners wallow in! Puhleese! If he doesn’t like what he sees, allow him to take a hike! Rather be unmarried and still happy then to be trapped in a loveless marriage that is nothing other than slow, painful death!

The most important thing is being friends because when all is said and done and you are experiencing the wilderness period that some of us are going through right now, there will still be that sweet companionship to carry you through.

I remember all those bitter fights my husby and I had while we were courting. A lot of folks back then were so sure we would never make it to the altar! But we were just being really honest with each other and there was no forming. I can’t count the number of times I threw my engagement ring back at him, screaming that I never wanted to see him again. Or the number of times he stormed off, terribly incensed by something I did or said. But somehow we managed to remain friends and work through it. These days we still do fight but it’s not as bitterly as we used to and the make-up sex afterwards is insane! Hmm…. Note to self, maybe I should pick a fight with him one of these days….

So, let’s all wake up our inner divas, whether we be married or unmarried, and expect nothing less than the best! So, what that you aren’t married yet?! God has not forgotten about you and His plans for you are good - to give you a future so bright, we will need shades just to see it! So, what that you’ve made mistakes along the course of your courtship?! Truthfully, who hasn’t?! Ask God to forgive you and move on! Ignore all the knowing looks from all the so-called people who knew what went down. That’s their headache- you are too anointed and you carry too much power on your insides to let some agents of the enemy hold you back from having a glorious married life. Re-invent yourself, resurrect that inner Holy Ghost diva that has tightly shut legs, colour your hair, pierce another ear-hole, buy new shoes, change your wardrobe, take dancing lessons, change your friends, soak your mind with the Word of God, spend time in the presence of God,  engage in retail therapy e.t.c. Any wholesome thing that makes you happy, do it and praise the Lord! He has come that we may enjoy life to its fullest!

And if it’s poisonous relationships and situations that drag you into playing around with pigs when you are a princess of the most high, then avoid them. I know it’s hard to stop when it starts but what’s more important- future happiness or temporary pleasure that leaves you feeling like filth! It’s so not worth it`! Whenever God says something is bad, we should just take His Word for it. There are other fun things to do with your time- look for them. And don’t forget to look for ways to serve the Lord as well, be you married or unmarried. Start filling God’s book of remembrance with your deeds and works of love. Not just because you love Him more than life itself but also because the dividends of serving Him are out of this world!