Gurls, let's talk!

I’m not sure why I am writing this but it has been on my mind a while to tell the ladies ahead of time what wasn’t told me about child delivery and to prepare you for what’s ahead if you are ever thinking of bring children to this world.

The first time I was told by a Lab. technician that I was indeed pregnant, I’m not that sure exactly what I felt. One thing was that I was so glad about was the fact that I was married so there was somebody who would be responsible for the thing growing inside my tummy. I couldn’t wait to tell my husband of 6 months. He wasn’t as excited as they portray in movies- maybe it was because he’s a doctor and so sees babies practically all the time. But I was certain he was privately eager at the thought of being a dad and the arrival of his son within the next few months! 

Anyway, there was no way I was going to let this new status change my life. So, I purposed in my mind to continue my life like there was nothing new or different. I refused to see any doctor or take any of those silly pills they make pregnant women take. That state of denial continued until the nausea hit! I cannot begin to describe this feeling of just wanting to die from feeling sick. To keep it at bay, I tried chewing gum but the smell just put me off. I tried bitter kola but it made my mouth so awful, water tasted bitter that I had no option but to stop. I tried sex but it meant having to kill my husband considering the fact that I had to be having it every other hour! ‘Matter of fact, he started coming home late so I’ll be fast asleep by the time he came back from work! Finally, I realized that if I ate as early as possible, it kept it away or just minimized it significantly.

Then I began to crave all kinds of strange things like amala and draw soup (something I will never eat on a good day!) and all sorts of assorted meat that I would never touch with a 10 foot pole (cow leg, cow tongue, goat meat, roundabout e.t.c.) I just couldn’t have enough of those things but afterwards, I’ll get so sick, it practically all ends up down the toilet bowl anyway.

Next thing I soon noticed was my stomach’s violent reaction to all my beloved smellies! I had to hide all my perfumes away because just the sight of them would make me retch. I almost died whenever my husband got ready for work cos all the smells that assailed me were like insane. From the smell of the soap to the cream to the roll on to the perfume- all things I used to enjoy before. I mean, till today, I can barely stand the smell of Apple Body Fantasy body spray! Now, all of this went on for the first 3 months (what doctors refer to as the first trimester). Imagine, living in such torture! Wait- three’s more!

So, by the second trimester, I finally caved and went with my husband to see the doctor who was a personal friend of his. He gave me prescription for some calcium, iron and some other silly things. But I only took the iron cos they said something about adequate blood for the babies. Truthfully, I hardly paid attention to anything they were saying. All I wanted to know was that I was fine and that my twins were fine! I was super excited the day we were finally going to do an ultrasound to see my twins! Everyone laughed when I told them I was carrying twins but I was not going to let them ruin my faith! I didn’t care whether there was no such occurrence in mine or my husband’s family tree. I was going to set a record. Besides, there was no way on earth I was going to do this whole shenanigan twice. So, I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt that the Lord was going to do His usual- surprise everyone!

At the end of the day, the Lord had sided with all my enemies and put only one baby inside my tummy o! Mehn, how I wept! I could not believe that God was going to subject me to this yeye situation again. Anyway, my husband comforted me as much as he could and left me to be comforted by my truest friends- movies! The poor darling was preparing for his qualifying exams and it is amazing how he was able to put up with my drama.

Once such dramatic occasion I vividly remember was the day he came home and the whole house was dark because NEPA had struck. Now since I was not allowed to carry anything heavy I had to wait for him to come home and switch on the gen. Anyway, he called out to me and received no answer.

He checked the bedroom, toilet, kitchen just calling my name but still no answer. He started getting a wee bit concerned when I didn’t answer because he saw the car downstairs so that meant I was home. With the panic slowly rising, he decided to check the balcony and I’m sure his heart skipped a beat from what he saw. I stood, totally oblivious to the world, the cold or the light from his torchlight and completely unashamed in my birthday suit! The funny part is the fact that I don’t remember how I got there or how every stitch of clothing fell off my body!

Finally, I resumed school for my Masters programme so there was now something to do with myself every day. Towards the middle of the course, I got to the final trimester and also finally agreed to start attending antenatal classes. I found it quite enlightening and sometimes fun except for all that walking up and down to do this test and pay for that result and that infernal having to queue to see the doctor. I think my doctor hated me or something cos for some reason best known to him, anytime I came for my usual check-up, the guy just refused to look at my face! It was like he couldn’t wait for my turn to be over. The funny thing is how everyone seemed to gush about what a wonderful doctor he was but according to my observation, he was a horrible bore. I didn’t want to make a fuss cos he was a good friend of my husband but I came to dread my appointments with him. Thankfully, he didn’t do the routine virginal check that most other doctors did and I was only too glad about that part.  Between me and you ladies, I honestly didn’t want anybody poking around there till this baby was ready to pop out! No thank you!

Around this time, as well, my husband was on full exam mode and so that meant him having to spend most of his time reading and plenty of time for me to concentrate on my academics. But for those of you who know me well, that translates to meaning no reading- just playing all the way until it’s time for exams! Lol! And that’s exactly what happened. The exams where fast approaching and I realized that I may well be delivering this child around that time. So, I approached the Sub-Dean with a letter asking for deferment of exams since I would be putting to bed around the exam period. The truth of the matter was that I was terrible scared of the exams and used every available excuse (including my unborn child) to delay the evil day!

The results for my husband’s exams came out and he had passed and was a qualified Anesthetist and was on his way to Lagos to look for a job there as a consultant since we had no intension to remain in UCH. Anyway, he soon gets a job and relocates there but because I was still in school in UI, I moved back in with my mum and the rest of my sibs. I have mentioned in the past about all the drama that ensued with my moving back in with my mum and us having bloody fights due to my hormone induced rage.

Here’s another reason why I believe my doctor hated me. During the time I was contemplating deferring my 1st semester exams, the plan was to induce delivery so that I can have the baby sooner than my Expected Delivery Date (EDD) so that I can at least write the exams. Because waiting for the EDD may mean going into labour during exams. There was no way I was going to I disgrace myself in front of all my course mates (including the lecturer I had a major crush on!)

 So as I was saying, I asked my doctor in UCH if he could induce labour for me so I could write my exams. Now, maybe I must have explained wrong or something cos he almost jumped out of his chair while giving me a serious earful about how he will never be part of such foolishness and how he doesn’t indulge in such sharp practice! *hisss* Listening to him tear me another butt hole, one would think I asked him to stitch a stuffed animal filled with crack to my ‘vijayjay’ or something! When I reported the scenario to my husband, he just calmly assured me that my new doctor in Lagos would be a whole lot nicer. Which actually turned out to be true cos he was such a sweetheart and very helpful and ready to answer all my questions.

Fast forward to the delivery day. I was admitted the night before so that first thing the next morning, they will start the party. At this point I want to quickly emphasize that I had stopped attending antenatal classes cos they were conflicting with my classes so that all the things to expect during delivery, I was generally clueless. I was just super excited about meeting my baby girl. Yep! You can be sure I had checked for the sex around 7/8 months! I’m certainly am not one of those divine creatures that want to be ‘surprised’ at the delivery table! I don’t have time for such cos I don’t want to buy pink stuff and the baby turns out to be a boy and then has to go through life with a case of gender identity issues because of baby pictures of himself in pink clothes! No, thank you!

Anyway, I had already typed a draft of the text messages I was going to send to everyone I knew about the arrival of my lil Miss World. I put on some light make up and held my hair in a theatre cap (cos you know there was no way I was going to look scruffy simply cos I was having a baby) and super excited as they wheeled me to the theatre. The idea was to give me an epidural so that I will feel as little pain as possible and you can be sure that I was 100% down with that. But that didn’t kinda work out so, they gave me a spinal instead and then wheeled me back to the labour ward.

The first indication that this wasn’t a party was when the young intern tried to set an I.V line and almost pulled out my skin in the process! It was all I could do from giving her a reciprocal huge bite on her silly arm! That kinda ruined my serene bubble a bit but I had my fully charged ipod filled with songs so, I just plopped the earphones back in my ear and allowed the music to reset me. You see, I HATE needles and I would do anything to avoid them. So that having her almost mutilate my hand was more than a little upsetting. But that was only the beginning!

So, they started the line and then slowly added the drug to induce the delivery. The next thing I noticed was that I began to have those period pain cramps. When I told my husband, who was with me every step of the way, he explained that it was only part of the delivery. So, I smiled to myself- surely this cannot be what women scream and all most die about- this simple period pain cramp. Silly women! I have had worse period pains!

So, there I am all smug and singing along with the guys on my ipod. The doctor came to check on me every now and then to assure me that all was well. But I guess he was just being nice because since it was my first delivery, it was going to be a really looooong time before my cervices was fully dilated enough to push any baby out. So most of the time, he was hardly there.

Slowly, the pain started to increase, but I merely smiled back almost like telling the uterus, “Is this the best you can do?!” The nurses were peeping in one at a time to see the young lady all smiles and listening to her music. A lady doctor popped in and asks in wonder if I was scheduled for labour and when I nodded, she looks closely at me again and smiles. She says, ‘No, you are not in labour. If you were nobody will tell me’. And then she waves goodbye and walks away. I remember thinking to myself- “Well, this girl here is a whole lot different cos I AM in labour but I am handling myself with grace and dignity! Silly half-caste know-nothing-at-all doctor”.

I’m not sure what time it is cos as the pain intensified, it slowly began to dawn on me that perhaps, this particular type of pain is nothing like the normal period pain. Soon enough, I am audibly moaning at intervals because, it’s beginning to get really bad! Along the line, I ask my husband to hold my ipod cos the guys in there are no longer soothing anything! And the contractions are coming really fast now. It felt like white hot pain slashing my lower tummy into two. Now I understood exactly what the female doctor earlier had I was no longer all smiles and singing any Holy Ghost hymn. Yep- for sure I was now in labour and it was HELLLLLL!

During the course of this unnecessary drama, I remember thinking how come no one had warned me about this?! It was rather easy to blame it on folks for not telling me about the pain as I had completely forgotten that I had stooped going to antenatal classes and so had missed out on all the lectures they may have given about the kind of pain to expect. At that point, it felt like God was punishing me for all my sins! I also wondered why God had to make it this painful- to what purpose is this pain? Does it redeem us or does it make us acceptable to Him? Why this unbelievable pain?!!!

In spite of the satanic pain, I tried to hold it together and not go as gaga as I would have liked to because I was fully aware that this was my husband’s working place and I didn’t want to embarrass him with my one-man production of Chioma’s version of delivery. Besides, a friend had earlier mentioned that all that screaming and shouting doesn’t help a bit. She advised to just hold it all in. She, however, left out the part of hellish pain. But hold it or not, I was audibly calling onto Jesus to help me cos I just wanted to die! At a point, my husband kept urging me not to push even though I felt like it cos I could incur some serious tears but mehn, that was the only way to ease the pain! So, he would yell, “Chioma, don’t push yet! It’s not time for that yet!” and I would just vigorously nod but silently push to ease the pain.

Finally, when I could take the volcanic fire in my tummy no longer, I asked the nurses to check to see if I was fully dilated because it felt like I could feel the baby’s head. But without even checking, they assured me that since it was a first time birth I still had a long way to go. I overheard one of them whisper to her friend that I had 4 more hours to go. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! No way on earth I was going through this any longer. After what seemed like an eternity, I begged the nurse to just to humour me and check. And with a very amused, long-suffering smile, she checked my butt area, under my bed coverings and almost screamed. ‘She’s crowning!’ God knows that I would have given her a hot slap if she was standing closer to my upper body area. Stupid people!

Then things went crazy after that. They were no longer all hanging around like they were watching a show. Unfortunately, because the doctor in charge was away for lunch, I was at the mercy of a panicked nurse. I saw here grabbing a brand new blade and felt the cutting sensation which felt like a gentle forehead kiss compared to the alien thing tearing through my core right about now!

So, my husband grabs my hand and calmly asks me to push. To my mind, what the hell does that mean?! Push? How? He then smiles and gently explains that it means like wanting to do poo- poo! Ah, why didn’t you say so initially! So, they ask me to sit up, hold my ankles and push. But this was the part I was ready for. I had promised myself that there was no way I was going to have a retarded baby due to my inability to push as hard as I should. So, I was like an athlete poised and ready for takeoff at the sound of the gun.

As soon as they said, ‘Ready? Oya push!’ with a loud scream that sounded to my ears like something from the pit of hell, I pushed out that creature with one single push! Yep, and tore up my insides like crazy! I didn’t care. All I wanted to be sure was that the baby was breathing well and was crying like she should. My husband was all over me with joy and tried to kiss me and all that silliness but I just pushed him away and ordered him to go make sure they don’t turn my baby into a retard behind my back! I mean, after all that work, there was no way I was going to allow some nurses pour sand in my garri! When I heard her crying and overheard them saying she was fine, I called my husband over to come and collect the placenta o! Yes now, we hear of all the nasty things they do with children’s placenta and there was no way I was going to allow them play around with my child’s own!  Yes o, I was in a lot of pain but I was very alert, too! Lol!

By now the doctor had arrived and had this look of shock! Almost like ‘Seriously?! Gurl, you mean you did this behind my back?!’ But in my mind, I was just trying to brace myself for the sewing up of the episiotomy cut the nurse had earlier given me. I had no idea the extent of the tears I had inflicted myself while trying to deliver my genius! So, after much fuss and my constant asking the doctor what was taking him so long, they put me to sleep and sewed me right back up! And in 3 days time, I was on my way home! No, issues!

It was the second pregnancy that was a whole lot more dramatic! First off, the nausea period was murder! I mean, sometimes, I would lie in bed for the 24 hours cos I was too sick to get up! Unfortunately, this time around I was back home with my mum cos my husband had got a job in Saudi Arabia and I had no option but to move back home.Thankfully, this time I had learnt the ‘yes mother. Anything you say, mother’ behavior so we didn’t have issues. In fact we were now very good friends. But my mom detests weakness in any form! It’s like she gets an itch walking through the house and sees folk lying down in bed when it’s not bedtime! I mean, when we were still in primary school, except you were vomiting your intestines, you will still go to school with her words ringing in your head, ‘You can’t afford to be sick!’

So imagine her passing by and seeing me lying down all day with the excuse that I am feeling sick! I think she just managed to control herself from throwing a major fit cos she musta seen how really weak I was. This time around, running to the toilet meant peeing, pooing and vomiting all at the same time! Everyone told me that this was certainly a boy due to all the grief it was putting me through.

The next strangeness I noticed was my frequent bouts of insanity!

On one occasion, a very dear family male friend happened to be around while I was whining about all the misery this pregnancy was causing me. He then, off-handedly said that by now I should be used to it since it’s not my first time and that I shouldn’t be so dramatic! As I listened to the words coming out of his mouth, it was like somebody switched out all the lights in my head and turned on a red-hot one! I turned to him, opened my mouth and just let loose. God knows that I cannot remember anything I said to him that day! What I do remember was his shocked expression and swift exit. My sister smiled and rubbed my hands and gently told me that I was rough on him but I guess she understood. It would be important to note at this point that she was also heavily pregnant with her first child but was quite calm about the whole thing. She gets her strength in crisis quality from my mum…

On many occasions, I would just have this rush of blood to my head whenever somebody did or said something repugnant to me and I would REALLY over-react. I would scream at my husband over the phone for leaving me. I would be extra bitchy to friends. I would be really mean to my daughter and just a major ogre to be around. I just hated myself!

Anyway, the nausea period passed and I moved on to the second trimester and as usual, no doctors, no drugs and no antenatal since I didn’t think I needed anymore lectures as to how to deliver a baby.  Thankfully, we had these 2 wonderful women to take care of us- one was my 1 ½ yr old daughter’s nanny and the other was my mother’s elderly house keeper. So, they were there to take care of my spirited toddler and make sure we were equally comfortable. God bless them both.

So, as we eagerly awaited the delivery of my sister’s son, the period also gave me something else to focus on. For instance, we would go shopping for baby things, function as her chauffeur and drive her to the hospital for her appointments, drive her to work (cos she was adamant about going to work until the last minute) Soon enough, the delivery day came. Since I was a little under the weather, I had my brother do all the running around and all. Along the line, mum called and mentioned that the delivery was no longer progressing and that they had to cut her open. Thankfully, it was a successful operation and in about a week plus, she was back home in time for her son’s naming ceremony looking no worse for the wear.

Observing the way she looked and responded after having CS gave me a brand new idea- instead of going through that horrible ordeal called labour, I could just have a CS and cut through all that pain crap. Easy peassy! So, with that new plan running through my head, I looked forward to the pain-free arrival of my son and began eating like there was no tomorrow!

Finally, my daughter and I joined my husband 4-5 months later in Saudi Arabia and it should have been a nice experience. But it wasn’t cos now, there was no nanny to entertain my almost 2 year old child who now decided that she couldn’t breathe without me holding her at ALL times. No beloved sister to gist with for hours. Unfortunately, we arrived in the middle of their winter period and I was in hell. Plus, I soon developed all sorts of pains around my hip area, back and even limbs.

Anyway, with no place to escape to, my husband monitored me very closely and made sure I took the prescribed drugs as often as possible. We discussed extensively the concept of having the baby through CS. He wasn’t super-excited about it but since it also meant using that opportunity to tie my tubes, I guess he agreed. We spoke to the doctor (who happened to be female this time around) and she was willing to do the surgery. At first, she wondered why I would purposely opt for CS without prior medical issues but after explaining that I also wanted my tubes tied immediately after the surgery, I guess she understood and was on board with the whole thing.

It was also around this time I feel into a very deep depression. Maybe it was the isolation from almost everything I knew- my family and friends. Or the loneliness I felt every time my husband left for work. Or the fear of living in such a strict Muslim, women-hating country. Or the constant wallowing in self-pity and listening to lies spun by Whispering Spirits. I don’t know cos before I knew it, I would be cutting stuff in the kitchen and just wander off in my mind and begin to fantasize about how fast I will bleed to death if I slit my wrist. Some days, I would work the whole suicide plan in my head, as in how I was going to put my daughter to sleep, lock the door and then slit my wrist. Sometimes, I would sit for hours, thinking about my life and just begin to weep uncontrollably. I knew that if I killed myself I would go to hell, but I would argue with myself back and forth about how God will understand how sad I was and would grant me access into heaven.

Then I would then think about my unborn child and how he would not survive and how I would have also killed him and how for that alone, I might be sent to hell. Then I thought about who will look after my little girl and the trauma she may have for the rest of her life walking in on a dead mother with blood all over the floor.

Somehow, God pulled me out of that insane state of mind. Looking back now, it is not surprising that I became this depressed because right about this time, I had stopped reading my Bible or even praying. Things started getting better when I found out that I was having another girl! I was so excited because that’s what I always wanted- 2 girls! My husband wasn’t that excited but when he noticed how happier I became, he kinda got used to it. He often says that his grouse is with God and not me. That he had prayed and specifically asked for a son and if God thought it best to give us 2 girls, then He knows what He’s doing. Ha! I know he would really love to have a son. Incidentally, he often has dreams that he refers to as ‘nightmares’ where each time I had another baby, it was always another girl! Lol!

Fast forward to the scheduled delivery day. We all arrived at the hospital. I’m not as excited as the first time but as I wait to be wheeled into the theatre, I am wishing I could press a fast-forward button and get to the end with the baby in my arms and all of us on our way home. They shave me down there and put a catheter in my vijayjay (an uncomfortable sensation but you soon get used to it) and wheel me to the theatre. This time, I make my husband record the whole thing on video since I won’t be awake most of the time.

The next thing I remember is opening my eyes to seeing lots of people standing around and I was a bit scared. But the main thing I was acutely aware of was THE PAIN! It was like I had been in a samurai sword fight and got shredded to ribbons or something. I knew I was in a conservative Muslim country and all that but as I grew more alert, the pain intensified and I could help but call out to Jesus several times! I remember also raining abuses on my sister for misleading me to believe that there wasn’t going to be any pain involved. My mom called to congratulate me but I almost told her to take her greetings of joy and shove it down the toilet cos I was in so much pain!

Apparently, my decision to go through this medium and tie my tubes as well was a huge deal around here cos it was strange for them to see a healthy, young woman with 2 female children opting for such a drastic, permanent form of contraception. You should have seen the amount of forms they made me sign in my pain-crazed state. Sometimes, I think they purposely let me wake up to the pain to punish me! My mother-in-law was taken aback, too but when her son explained that we had already discussed this while we were courting that after the second child we were going to tie my tubes, I guess she just let it go.

Then I had to hang around until I had farted before they will let me eat anything. The nurses were all up on grill to get up from bed and walk around like the other Arabian women who show no pain. But I was this close to telling them to take their Arab Superwoman teachings and jump right into the middle of hell for all I cared. Turned out I had some kind of stomach ulcer and even had to be admitted a second time in the hospital.

So eventually, the pain I was running away from was spread out for a period of almost 1 month! Might as well have endured the natural delivery and gotten it over within a few hours. But thank God I didn’t cos my girl was so huge when she was brought out that the pediatrician asked if she was post-term! Also turns out I had no idea when I had taken in so she must have stayed a whole lot longer than initially thought cos she came out with a full head of hair and long nails (unlike her sister who came out looking like a pre-historic, hairless lizard! He he he!!!)

This wasn't written to scare anybody! So, what is the moral of the story?

1)      Well, the first thing is to prepare yourself for pain, either way (whether natural delivery/CS)

2)      Know for sure your menstrual cycle so that when the doctors ask you about your last menstrual          period you don’t act retarded like me and say, ‘I don’t know!’

3)      ATTEND YOUT PRE-NATAL CLASSES!

4)      Take all the supplements they prescribe for you and eat properly. The doctors (sometimes)                   know what they are talking about ;)

5)      Do all the necessary exercises prescribed. 

6)      Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible so that you can ask the right questions and be           given answers that will benefit you.

7)      If you are uncomfortable with a doctor, be brave enough to change him/her no matter how                wonderful other people say they are.

8)      Rid yourself of all fears and anxieties. Fill your mind instead with the Word of God. Surround                yourself with promises of God and His loving atmosphere so that negative and poisonous ideas don’t start popping up in your mind.

9)      Discuss with your spouse/fiancé the kind of contraceptive method that would be beneficial to               the both of you. Use the courtship period to discuss and settle with yourselves how many kids you would both like to have. Arrive at a number and trust God to take care of the rest.

10)  Spend time talking to your babies, laying hands on them, even in the womb, and pronounce all             kinds of blessings on them. Everyday say at least one word of glorious prophecy upon their lives.You will be pleasantly amazed at the creature you will produce at the end of the day!