Where my single ladies at?!!!

I do apologize for cutting out my sisters from the other side of the margin in my last post- seriously, it was not deliberate. I guess I just got carried away, as usual, with my ranting again. So, this one right here is my attempt to make it up to you. Do I detect small smiles of forgiveness?

I cannot begin to imagine the kind of pressures you are under. I was single once and I know how it must feel. The constant wondering, whenever you meet someone new, whether he is ‘the one’ or not. Where do all these pressures come from, anyway? Society? Other married friends? Movies? Our sexual drives? Perhaps, it sometimes begins with our mothers telling us, from the time we understand, that apart from getting good grades in school, the very next thing to make us fulfilled human beings is to be happily married.

From the first time I got my first period, my mom instructed me to start praying about that man I was one day going to marry. I was only too glad to since I already knew the kind of guy I had in mind-or at least, I thought I did. “Lord, make him a tall, black version of an M&B guy, Amen!” But as time went on, I began to have a clearer picture of the other attributes that will make him fit for a princess like me.

In retrospect, I will take this time to say a colossal “THANK YOU” to God for not making me a part of the ‘in-crowd’ in Secondary school! Back then, it hurt not be asked to dance at the ‘out-of-school-uniform-founders-day’ dance back then. I used to lie to myself that even if it meant turning them down, it would have been nice to be asked. Now, I know I would have jumped right into the thick of the party and had me a glorious time! And probably gotten lost in the whole mix of things.

You see, back then I had a very low image of myself and saw myself as very 'unfine'. So, if God had allowed any one of the cool boys pay me any attention, I would have been only too grateful and allowed the guys all sorts of excesses! Perhaps, my mother sensed this and so insisted that my sister and I sport low cut throughout secondary school! God also made sure we had no access to baffs so that all thoughts of being invited to the cool parties and attend cool events in school were totally scrapped! Now, I can look back and say that I’m glad that so many things were withheld from me because it forced my sister and I to look for other ways to have wholesome fun and immense ourselves in books, movies, music and as such, have little or no time for guys! We were too busy planning one church event or the other or arranging one dance routine or trying to put together one fund raising get-together. So, in our own church setting, we still had plenty of fun activities.

My first boyfriend was in JSS 3 and he was quite a sweetheart.  He wasn’t much of an M&B guy but he was just right for then. The most we did was walk around with my arms around his shoulders and his arm around my waist and gist about books and movies. Sounds really cute and harmless right now but back then, my heart would beat so fast I was sure I was going to pass out from the feel of his hands there. It felt like fire, I tell you. Delicious fire! Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t last long because I guess we weren’t mature enough to know what next to do.

The second ‘boyfriend’ (if you will call him that) was when I was in SS1. A friend set us up and I did most of the talking while he watched and listened to me gush about Michael Jackson. I do believe all the ladies out there that knew me back then will roll their eyes and smile because my sister and I were die-hard MJ fans! I mean, he was all we wanted to talk about and when I found someone willing to listen, I was in the 7th  heavens. Maybe he was so taken by my passion for MJ or something because I honestly did not believe that anyone would find me attractive with my low cut and funny clothes.

Anyway, the second time we saw, he told me he was off to Uni and I was broken by the news. So broken that right there on the mainroad, I grabbed him and gave him a 10 seconds kiss- yep, with cars driving by and all that! My sister was livid but I was too stunned for hours afterwards to remember all the angry things she was saying. That relationship didn’t last long either because I later found out that he was going with some Cameroonian princess. To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. Didn’t our kiss mean anything to him? I guess not!

 By the time I was in SS2 and somewhat healed, I announced to my friends that I was going to fast and pray for a boyfriend. They laughed and teased that there was no way God was going to answer such a silly prayer but I was done moping around for the old one. Months later, God did. He was a tall, light skinned, Will Smith look-alike and the yummiest thing I’d seen in a long time. The first time we met, we spent hours talking and before long, I was in love.

We soon started a long-distance relationship (he was based in Enugu while I was based in Ibadan) that was kept alive by our 30 page, foolscap sheet letters, front and back! My friends were soon bored with our letters because it was filled with was recounts of our day-to-day activities and scriptures! Yes o- this guy was a serious Holy Ghost brother! God knows that Jesus wasn’t the first thing I wanted to talk about with him! Mehn, all I wanted to tell him was what his eyes did to my soul and how his hands burned my skin (the few seconds his hands brushed my arm) and how his spoken words stirred up something so deep (which I had thought was dead) and how my insides turned to mush every time he called. You can be sure I told him all that since I was never one to hide the way I felt.

But I guess he was a wee bit too shy to come out and since Jesus was all he wanted to talk about, I was on board because I would have followed him to the ends of the earth if he only asked. I was also excited about this guy because he made the scriptures so cool and come alive. I was challenged by his depth of understanding of scripture so much so that I started to read the Bible so that I will have something cool and equally intelligent to say back in my replies. Maybe over the course of time, I started to impress him because, he started opening up and coming out to express feelings of love as well. So, the letters were doubly fun; filled with words of love and devotion and inspiring Words of scripture. He was the perfect boyfriend and I couldn’t have been more grateful to God.

Soon enough, our romance came to the knowledge of my ever watchful mother. She began to ask me some questions about him and when I told her that he was from a polygamous home, she just closed up and told me to end it! Was she serious?! There was no way on earth I was going to break things up with this divine human being! Anyway, we started looking for other ways to keep our love a secret but it soon became apparent to anyone who knew us that we were inseparable.

When the pressure became too much, I decided one Saturday morning, to go to the vacant room in the bq to do my quiet time and ask God “how far?”. So, from the deep crevices of my soul, I poured out my heart to God. I reminded Him about how I had asked for a boyfriend and how I believed He gave me this guy. I told Him about how this guy had helped me to be a lot more serious about Jesus and gospel runs and how much I loved him.  I told Him about all the grief my mum was giving me about this relationship and how I was so sure that this guy was the one I was to spend the rest of my life with. However, I told Him that just in case my mum was right, I didn’t want anything that was not His will and I was more than ready to go along with anything He told me (even though I was more than sure He was the guy for me).

I had my pen, paper and wrist watch ready and waiting for a response because honestly, I was sick and tired of all the secrecy and lying and I wanted to know for sure if Enugu guy was ‘the one’  or not! Now, to those who believe that God doesn’t talk or interfere with matters of the heart, I am here to debunk that notion! I mean, there I was, a desperate girl of 18 seated and actually expecting the Creator of the entire cosmos to tell me if my secret boyfriend was the young man I was to marry. Perhaps He saw my sincerity and had mercy on me because out of nowhere, I heard a voice.  And before you roll your eyes o, chill! It wasn't an audible but a voice in your heart that you know beyond a shadow of doubt is not your thought. I'm sure Believers reading this can relate. 

He told me that Enugu guy was NOT the one. Whaaaaat?!!! You can only imagine how broken I was. I was writing the words as they came with tears pouring down my face. He told me some other things that I just kept scribbling but it was the fact that God wasn’t in the mix with this guy and myself that tore me up. I just wanted to fall down and die. Then, I began to wonder why He had brought this guy my way if he wasn’t going to be the one I was to end up with.

God didn’t answer that unspoken question then but over time, He helped me to realize that some people are positioned in strategic places in our lives to help us. They are like road signs to point us in the direction of God. I believe Enugu guy was placed in my life to help me get serious with God because you see, that year I met him was the year I was told to repeat SS2. It meant me falling back to join my younger sister’s class and I should have been completely broken up about it. But, you see, God got me praying earlier about a good relationship… of course He knew I was going to need all the comfort and reaffirmation I could get when the report card came. So when this guy arrived on the scene, God made sure he was one filled with the Holy Ghost, filled with cheering words of life from scripture to encourage me to be better than I ever thought possible. The result therefore was that by the time I was leaving secondary school, the girl who used to come practically last in class and so unsure of herself with a damaged self esteem became the school’s handball captain, was on the commendation list, a member of the school choir, friend to some of the teachers and top of her class in major subjects. I even graduated with 5 As in my SSCE, first place prize in Christian Religious Knowledge and admission to study Law in University of Ibadan! Things I would never had thought possible before!

 Fast-forward to the day I got my Law school posting. The minute I got it, and I saw I was posted to the Enugu Campus and I stood there and broke out laughing like a mad woman. Like, "what do You have up your sleeves, Father-God?" I asked God, “Why did you send me to Enugu? Cos You know I am so going to look for Enugu guy!” I can just see God smiling because He knew that was exactly what I was going to do! I landed the Enugu campus on Friday evening and by Sunday morning, I was out of campus and in a town I had never been before, looking for my long lost friend.

What I found was a totally different person from the one I knew as a teenager. They say change is the only thing that is constant but I was so not prepared for this 360˚ kind of turnaround! He had just lost his older brother to cancer and was quite torn-up and I could completely understood that. The part I didn’t understand was the great bitterness he felt towards God. He somehow felt that God had cheated him out of a bright future because having just graduated from Uni, he was looking forward to going off to join his now-dead-brother in South Africa and so all he could see was shattered dreams.

Oh, I felt that this was my turn to bless and encourage him with words from scripture like he had done for me during my difficult time in Secondary school. I was prepared to love-up on him and comfort him in his time of need. What I wasn’t prepared for was the way he was  repugnant to anything God or Jesus. Bringing up those two names always turned him brusque and sometimes down-right mean! He wanted nothing to do with God! Not only that, He was no longer as kind and as considerate. He was rude, selfish and really not a nice human being. Maybe it was due to the loss of his brother but after subsequent visits to check up on him, the words of God that Saturday morning flashed in my mind. I now clearly understood why God had unequivocally said that this guy wasn’t the one. It had hurt back then but now, I was more than grateful He had spared me the horror of what had become of this person!

Rewind back to gaining admission into Uni! Ah, the excitement of the freedom and chance to meet different guys from all kinds of backgrounds. At this point my mother had some extra rules. She insisted that we should each make a written out, detailed list of the kind of guy we wanted to marry and every birthday anniversary, we should present this list to God. She also had a list of her own and she expressly stated that on no account must we bring home a guy who:

1)      Was from a broken or polygamous home

2)      Was from a Muslim-converted-to-Christianity home

3)      Was of the AS blood group

May sound intense and maybe offensive to most folks out there but that was my mother for you. She was quite serious about her specifications and when she caught whiff of a man sniffing around her girls, these 3 questions where the very first she was going to ask. Naturally, it went without saying that the guy must be from a family where the parents were born-again, committed Christians. Left to her, she would rather the guy from a background where to the 4th generation, all parents were born-again!

Then, it was a bit harsh since all the guys I was meeting and falling in desperate love with were from broken or polygamous homes. The ones from ‘normal’ families always had one issue or the other. I soon came to the conclusion that maybe my mom’s rules won’t apply to me. But the thing I did obey her was ‘the list’. Over the course of time, I sat down and wrote over a 100 qualities of the guy I wanted. Thankfully, I had progressed from him just being ‘tall, black and M&B-ish’, I was getting pretty specific about things like kindness, years older than me, smells good, born again and Spirit-filled, a good kisser, generous, heavy dose of pop-culture e.t.c.

Every guy I met from then on, was always weighed in line with the dictates of my mom’s specifications and the 100+ qualities and if he fell short, his behind got kicked to the curb. If I liked him enough, I hung around and played with him and when I got tired, his ass was gone. Of course, along the line I strayed from ‘the path’ but with a very vocal and unrelenting mother screaming in our heads, such straying was quite short lived.

Mehn, I met all sorts! From the sweethearts to the down-right scary ones! For instance, I met one who after some discussions, I perceived had the spirit of divination because there were some things he knew that no human could have told him. One day he shook my shoulders, commanded me to look at him and declared that he was the perfect law of liberty (as talked about in James 1) just like Jesus was the Word of God become flesh. And right after such a proclamation, he whipped out a condom and advised that we merged our bodies together and become one in soul and spirit! Didn’t need the services of a Hebrew prophet, right after that, to advise me to take to my heels! It was quite a shame though because he looked just like an M&B man (you know, tall, broad shoulders and a hint of arrogance e.t.c.) but I guess was quite crazy in the head! Lol!

And there were some that were just perfect! But whenever I brought them before God, I either got a big fat ‘no’ or time just showed that they were playing tricks with my mind. I never delved in the realm of married men, though! I just knew that all the games I had been playing with the single ones can’t be going down too well with God and there was no way He was going to back me up if I had any yawa with these other kinds. I ran into 3 of them though but no matter how charming they were, if they came too close like wanting to get physical, I was always quick to take to run like the wind. At the back of my mind, I knew that there was no way I would be happy if I knew that there was a young girl out there playing around with my husband and what I can’t take I would most certainly not offer it to another woman like me!

Sisters, I could go on and regale you with tales of my escapades and all the atrocities I did as a single, adventurous and insatiable girl but I still want to have friends after this write-up. Besides, how will such gory anecdotes edify you, right? So, here’s the 411-

                                                          KEEP YOURSELF PURE!!!

Funny that such a statement should be coming from me, right?! But when all is said and done, keeping along the dictates of the express dictates of what God says is truly the best way to live. I will be the first to admit that sometimes, that could be just boring and dull, but that again depends on how you look at it.

First off, sleeping around has so many down sides with little or no advantages. I won’t deceive you and say I understand the mysteries behind sex in the way the Apostle Paul discusses it in 1 Cor. 5 & 7 but I can assure you that the sense of guilt and worthlessness afterwards is not an indication of the presence of a delirious-with-joy Holy Ghost.

The truth is that sex is an indescribably beautiful experience created by God for a man and woman within the safe confines of marriage. However, Hollywood has twisted it around and spun lies about it being alright “as long as you do it with someone you are in love with.” The down-side to believing that lie is that it becomes addictive; just like any intravenous drug. (especially if you fall into the hands of guys who sabi the thing.) Just like any drug, it leaves a bitter after-taste and a terrible down-feeling, especially for the Christian- the feeling you get after wards is guilt. So to deaden that overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, you find yourself doing it over and over again till you become calloused and insensitive to the warnings of the Holy Spirit regarding that area. So, rather than bless you, sex outside marriage depletes you, whether you want to accept it or not!

For us chicks, when we keep ourselves pure, we don’t have to worry that the stupid guy has gotten us preggers if our periods come terribly late. We don’t have to worry that the guy is talking trash about you to his friends (because let me tell you- even if the worst thing you let him do to you was allowing him to suck on your boobs or finger you, you can be sure that he’s telling his friends all about how he has not only screwed you silly but how you can’t get enough of giving him a head… he will, however, leave out the part about the huge pity you feel for him every time he whips out his tiny digglehopper!!! *hiss*). You don’t have to worry about catching any strange diseases. I personally believe that God asks women to keep themselves pure because at the end of the day He’s trying to protect us.  

This is not to say that the only thing about relationships is sex and all other related activities.

 There is so much more! You can take this time to forge deep, pure friendships. You can be sure that no matter how attracted you are to a guy, if you somehow manage to keep your legs closed and still drive him crazy with your beauty, charm, wit, intelligence, sense of style you will forever have his respect. We all know that rap about being good girls and all that but there is a whole lot of good and truth in it. Just like Eve, we shouldn’t march around thinking that God is withholding ‘the good stuff’ and then get out on our own and try to find it for ourselves. I can boldly say that there is no woman out there who can say with all sincerity that she was glad she slept around! Deeeeep down in every woman is the desire to belong to only one man and be possessed, loved, adored and cherished by this same one man. A man who will give her everything she needs to nourish her spirit, soul and body.

The sad truth, however, is that no one human being can meet all those needs. We have these needs met by different types of men along our lives. This, on the other hand, does not give us the license to give our bodies to every single man that meets these different needs. Let me explain what I mean.

For instance, your boyfriend/fiancé can’t love you enough to die for your sins and even if he can, he’s not even qualified to. Hence, the position of Jesus to take care of that pesky sin business. All He asks in return is for us to give our lives to Him so that He can fix it and give us something much better- life to its fullest in this life and hereafter.

Next is that issue of no woman being an island. You need to be part of a society in order to be productive and relevant to it. Society begins with the family that should consist of a father, mother and children. Here again, we know that no matter how much you love your father, brother, Uncles or cousins, you can’t have sex with them! *gag*. They are there to meet that need for protection, provision and a sense belonging.

Going wide in the societal circle are our drivers, the security guard/policemen, teachers, classmates, friends, principal, pastors, persons in places of influence or authority e.t.c. Just because we admire them or feel somewhat indebted to them does not mean we should allow them to ‘play’ with us. You see what I mean?

In that same vein, God has placed certain male figures of Himself to do some work in our lives and then move on. It is now our duty to recognize the purpose(s) for which every single male in our lives functions, learn the lesson we need to learn, thank God for that opportunity to learn and develop and then move on to maturity. I wish I had known this much earlier because it would have helped to give me focus, and not spread my affections and waste my time and energy on folks that were never designed to be permanent fixtures in my life or destiny.

Ladies, every single one of you bears so much of the anointing of God! So much so that a lot of the guys you are hanging around with have no business whatsoever playing around your bodies (and while we are it even your minds)! They don’t even have any business dusting your shoes. But some of us have allowed some agents of the enemy to speak some terrible things into our lives, toy with our minds and then go around spreading the gospel of death to our reputations and future happiness. Some of us have even permitted some demon-possessed souls to lay hands of anger on our bodies. Sisters, this should not be!

We are designed by God to bring balance, virtue, purity, finesse, beauty, growth and life to anything or person we come in contact with. We are designed by God to be loved, admired, adored, worshipped and cherishedn! You are not here to mother any man or do for him what his mother should. You are there to make his life calmer, peaceful, productive and more beautiful. He, in turn, should care, cherish, love, respect and adore you. If he doesn’t do any of the above, I hold you responsible because like they say, to get respect you have to earn it and obviously you have not earned his respect! If he hits you, I blame you because you have given him the permission to! You have not married him and he has started you on the way to pre-maturely ending God’s calling on your life. He has not sworn before God and your families to love and cherish you and you have already given him the right to destroy you mentally, psychologically and emotionally! Listen to me now and run for your life. This alone is an indication that God is not in the mix and that’s the truth.com right there!

How does God talk to you and tell you that Mr. So-and-So is or isn’t the one? Well, I’ll in return ask you how He talks to you about buying a particular pair of shoes! If you have never given God the time or day to dictate to you on little things like if you should eat vegetables or chocolate, then how would you know when He’s talking about life-altering issues like career decisions or life partner?! Just like trying to develop your butt muscles to look like Kim Kardashian’s, I challenge you to begin to develop hearing God. Always have a pen and paper with you so that when you hear that voice in your heart (not your head), write it down and watch and see whether what ‘the voice’ said comes true or not! Another way is to check if the words are contrary to what the Bible says. If they do go contrary, you probably need an exorcist or something! Lol!

Some folks talk about having a sense of peace or calm about something they pray about. And that is quite in line with the scripture because the Bible says in 2 Tim. 1:7 that God has not given a spirit of fear but He has given unto us a Spirit of Power, of love and a sound mind. So, if you find yourself praying regarding a guy and no matter how you say the prayer, you have no sound mind, RUN! Don’t try to negotiate, rationalize or couples-therapy it away. God is telling you to flee and you best just obey!

To the ladies who already have life partners and waiting for the big day, I will only repeat what you already know to do- No sampling of the goods! You need to make up your mind to keep yourself pure. If not, you are an accident waiting to happen! This is the time to invest in each other in other areas. Spend time getting to know this guy and develop friendship.

Haven’t you seen some couples where the woman is terrified of the man? Watching them, it is almost impossible to think that there was a time this same terror of a man moved heaven and earth in order to marry her. So, if you don’t want that to happen to you and want the kind of relationship Cliff and Clare from the Cosby Show had, then you better ease up on the lip locking and spend time in discussions. Find out what he likes, how responds in anger, how many kids he wants, what are his plans with the next 5 years, what kind of food he likes, what church to attend, what language to speak to the kids, family traditions you would both like to cultivate in your new one e.t.c. Mehn, there are so many things to talk about and discover about each other. All of this is important so that when you get married, there are hardly any surprises. There is nothing I detest more than when I ask a lady about to marry a simple question concerning her groom-to-be and she says, “I don’t know!” How retarded is that?!

This is, however, not the time to be doing his laundry or cooking his meals. He should be looking for ways to make you comfortable not looking for how to enslave you before he puts a ring on it!  Whatever you don’t like, tell him now and let him know before you guys get married. Don’t play silly games like ladies in the world who act all humble and soft-spoken in order to trap a guy and then transform to tigresses as soon as the priest declares them man and wife! You won’t like it if you find out that he was lying and pretending to be an angel only to find out that he was evil personified after you get married. So, if he’s your friend like you say, be plain, kind and do to him what you want him to do to you! No games- you are too royal to be caught doing what only commoners wallow in! Puhleese! If he doesn’t like what he sees, allow him to take a hike! Rather be unmarried and still happy then to be trapped in a loveless marriage that is nothing other than slow, painful death!

The most important thing is being friends because when all is said and done and you are experiencing the wilderness period that some of us are going through right now, there will still be that sweet companionship to carry you through.

I remember all those bitter fights my husby and I had while we were courting. A lot of folks back then were so sure we would never make it to the altar! But we were just being really honest with each other and there was no forming. I can’t count the number of times I threw my engagement ring back at him, screaming that I never wanted to see him again. Or the number of times he stormed off, terribly incensed by something I did or said. But somehow we managed to remain friends and work through it. These days we still do fight but it’s not as bitterly as we used to and the make-up sex afterwards is insane! Hmm…. Note to self, maybe I should pick a fight with him one of these days….

So, let’s all wake up our inner divas, whether we be married or unmarried, and expect nothing less than the best! So, what that you aren’t married yet?! God has not forgotten about you and His plans for you are good - to give you a future so bright, we will need shades just to see it! So, what that you’ve made mistakes along the course of your courtship?! Truthfully, who hasn’t?! Ask God to forgive you and move on! Ignore all the knowing looks from all the so-called people who knew what went down. That’s their headache- you are too anointed and you carry too much power on your insides to let some agents of the enemy hold you back from having a glorious married life. Re-invent yourself, resurrect that inner Holy Ghost diva that has tightly shut legs, colour your hair, pierce another ear-hole, buy new shoes, change your wardrobe, take dancing lessons, change your friends, soak your mind with the Word of God, spend time in the presence of God,  engage in retail therapy e.t.c. Any wholesome thing that makes you happy, do it and praise the Lord! He has come that we may enjoy life to its fullest!

And if it’s poisonous relationships and situations that drag you into playing around with pigs when you are a princess of the most high, then avoid them. I know it’s hard to stop when it starts but what’s more important- future happiness or temporary pleasure that leaves you feeling like filth! It’s so not worth it`! Whenever God says something is bad, we should just take His Word for it. There are other fun things to do with your time- look for them. And don’t forget to look for ways to serve the Lord as well, be you married or unmarried. Start filling God’s book of remembrance with your deeds and works of love. Not just because you love Him more than life itself but also because the dividends of serving Him are out of this world!

Gurls, let's talk!

I’m not sure why I am writing this but it has been on my mind a while to tell the ladies ahead of time what wasn’t told me about child delivery and to prepare you for what’s ahead if you are ever thinking of bring children to this world.

The first time I was told by a Lab. technician that I was indeed pregnant, I’m not that sure exactly what I felt. One thing was that I was so glad about was the fact that I was married so there was somebody who would be responsible for the thing growing inside my tummy. I couldn’t wait to tell my husband of 6 months. He wasn’t as excited as they portray in movies- maybe it was because he’s a doctor and so sees babies practically all the time. But I was certain he was privately eager at the thought of being a dad and the arrival of his son within the next few months! 

Anyway, there was no way I was going to let this new status change my life. So, I purposed in my mind to continue my life like there was nothing new or different. I refused to see any doctor or take any of those silly pills they make pregnant women take. That state of denial continued until the nausea hit! I cannot begin to describe this feeling of just wanting to die from feeling sick. To keep it at bay, I tried chewing gum but the smell just put me off. I tried bitter kola but it made my mouth so awful, water tasted bitter that I had no option but to stop. I tried sex but it meant having to kill my husband considering the fact that I had to be having it every other hour! ‘Matter of fact, he started coming home late so I’ll be fast asleep by the time he came back from work! Finally, I realized that if I ate as early as possible, it kept it away or just minimized it significantly.

Then I began to crave all kinds of strange things like amala and draw soup (something I will never eat on a good day!) and all sorts of assorted meat that I would never touch with a 10 foot pole (cow leg, cow tongue, goat meat, roundabout e.t.c.) I just couldn’t have enough of those things but afterwards, I’ll get so sick, it practically all ends up down the toilet bowl anyway.

Next thing I soon noticed was my stomach’s violent reaction to all my beloved smellies! I had to hide all my perfumes away because just the sight of them would make me retch. I almost died whenever my husband got ready for work cos all the smells that assailed me were like insane. From the smell of the soap to the cream to the roll on to the perfume- all things I used to enjoy before. I mean, till today, I can barely stand the smell of Apple Body Fantasy body spray! Now, all of this went on for the first 3 months (what doctors refer to as the first trimester). Imagine, living in such torture! Wait- three’s more!

So, by the second trimester, I finally caved and went with my husband to see the doctor who was a personal friend of his. He gave me prescription for some calcium, iron and some other silly things. But I only took the iron cos they said something about adequate blood for the babies. Truthfully, I hardly paid attention to anything they were saying. All I wanted to know was that I was fine and that my twins were fine! I was super excited the day we were finally going to do an ultrasound to see my twins! Everyone laughed when I told them I was carrying twins but I was not going to let them ruin my faith! I didn’t care whether there was no such occurrence in mine or my husband’s family tree. I was going to set a record. Besides, there was no way on earth I was going to do this whole shenanigan twice. So, I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt that the Lord was going to do His usual- surprise everyone!

At the end of the day, the Lord had sided with all my enemies and put only one baby inside my tummy o! Mehn, how I wept! I could not believe that God was going to subject me to this yeye situation again. Anyway, my husband comforted me as much as he could and left me to be comforted by my truest friends- movies! The poor darling was preparing for his qualifying exams and it is amazing how he was able to put up with my drama.

Once such dramatic occasion I vividly remember was the day he came home and the whole house was dark because NEPA had struck. Now since I was not allowed to carry anything heavy I had to wait for him to come home and switch on the gen. Anyway, he called out to me and received no answer.

He checked the bedroom, toilet, kitchen just calling my name but still no answer. He started getting a wee bit concerned when I didn’t answer because he saw the car downstairs so that meant I was home. With the panic slowly rising, he decided to check the balcony and I’m sure his heart skipped a beat from what he saw. I stood, totally oblivious to the world, the cold or the light from his torchlight and completely unashamed in my birthday suit! The funny part is the fact that I don’t remember how I got there or how every stitch of clothing fell off my body!

Finally, I resumed school for my Masters programme so there was now something to do with myself every day. Towards the middle of the course, I got to the final trimester and also finally agreed to start attending antenatal classes. I found it quite enlightening and sometimes fun except for all that walking up and down to do this test and pay for that result and that infernal having to queue to see the doctor. I think my doctor hated me or something cos for some reason best known to him, anytime I came for my usual check-up, the guy just refused to look at my face! It was like he couldn’t wait for my turn to be over. The funny thing is how everyone seemed to gush about what a wonderful doctor he was but according to my observation, he was a horrible bore. I didn’t want to make a fuss cos he was a good friend of my husband but I came to dread my appointments with him. Thankfully, he didn’t do the routine virginal check that most other doctors did and I was only too glad about that part.  Between me and you ladies, I honestly didn’t want anybody poking around there till this baby was ready to pop out! No thank you!

Around this time, as well, my husband was on full exam mode and so that meant him having to spend most of his time reading and plenty of time for me to concentrate on my academics. But for those of you who know me well, that translates to meaning no reading- just playing all the way until it’s time for exams! Lol! And that’s exactly what happened. The exams where fast approaching and I realized that I may well be delivering this child around that time. So, I approached the Sub-Dean with a letter asking for deferment of exams since I would be putting to bed around the exam period. The truth of the matter was that I was terrible scared of the exams and used every available excuse (including my unborn child) to delay the evil day!

The results for my husband’s exams came out and he had passed and was a qualified Anesthetist and was on his way to Lagos to look for a job there as a consultant since we had no intension to remain in UCH. Anyway, he soon gets a job and relocates there but because I was still in school in UI, I moved back in with my mum and the rest of my sibs. I have mentioned in the past about all the drama that ensued with my moving back in with my mum and us having bloody fights due to my hormone induced rage.

Here’s another reason why I believe my doctor hated me. During the time I was contemplating deferring my 1st semester exams, the plan was to induce delivery so that I can have the baby sooner than my Expected Delivery Date (EDD) so that I can at least write the exams. Because waiting for the EDD may mean going into labour during exams. There was no way I was going to I disgrace myself in front of all my course mates (including the lecturer I had a major crush on!)

 So as I was saying, I asked my doctor in UCH if he could induce labour for me so I could write my exams. Now, maybe I must have explained wrong or something cos he almost jumped out of his chair while giving me a serious earful about how he will never be part of such foolishness and how he doesn’t indulge in such sharp practice! *hisss* Listening to him tear me another butt hole, one would think I asked him to stitch a stuffed animal filled with crack to my ‘vijayjay’ or something! When I reported the scenario to my husband, he just calmly assured me that my new doctor in Lagos would be a whole lot nicer. Which actually turned out to be true cos he was such a sweetheart and very helpful and ready to answer all my questions.

Fast forward to the delivery day. I was admitted the night before so that first thing the next morning, they will start the party. At this point I want to quickly emphasize that I had stopped attending antenatal classes cos they were conflicting with my classes so that all the things to expect during delivery, I was generally clueless. I was just super excited about meeting my baby girl. Yep! You can be sure I had checked for the sex around 7/8 months! I’m certainly am not one of those divine creatures that want to be ‘surprised’ at the delivery table! I don’t have time for such cos I don’t want to buy pink stuff and the baby turns out to be a boy and then has to go through life with a case of gender identity issues because of baby pictures of himself in pink clothes! No, thank you!

Anyway, I had already typed a draft of the text messages I was going to send to everyone I knew about the arrival of my lil Miss World. I put on some light make up and held my hair in a theatre cap (cos you know there was no way I was going to look scruffy simply cos I was having a baby) and super excited as they wheeled me to the theatre. The idea was to give me an epidural so that I will feel as little pain as possible and you can be sure that I was 100% down with that. But that didn’t kinda work out so, they gave me a spinal instead and then wheeled me back to the labour ward.

The first indication that this wasn’t a party was when the young intern tried to set an I.V line and almost pulled out my skin in the process! It was all I could do from giving her a reciprocal huge bite on her silly arm! That kinda ruined my serene bubble a bit but I had my fully charged ipod filled with songs so, I just plopped the earphones back in my ear and allowed the music to reset me. You see, I HATE needles and I would do anything to avoid them. So that having her almost mutilate my hand was more than a little upsetting. But that was only the beginning!

So, they started the line and then slowly added the drug to induce the delivery. The next thing I noticed was that I began to have those period pain cramps. When I told my husband, who was with me every step of the way, he explained that it was only part of the delivery. So, I smiled to myself- surely this cannot be what women scream and all most die about- this simple period pain cramp. Silly women! I have had worse period pains!

So, there I am all smug and singing along with the guys on my ipod. The doctor came to check on me every now and then to assure me that all was well. But I guess he was just being nice because since it was my first delivery, it was going to be a really looooong time before my cervices was fully dilated enough to push any baby out. So most of the time, he was hardly there.

Slowly, the pain started to increase, but I merely smiled back almost like telling the uterus, “Is this the best you can do?!” The nurses were peeping in one at a time to see the young lady all smiles and listening to her music. A lady doctor popped in and asks in wonder if I was scheduled for labour and when I nodded, she looks closely at me again and smiles. She says, ‘No, you are not in labour. If you were nobody will tell me’. And then she waves goodbye and walks away. I remember thinking to myself- “Well, this girl here is a whole lot different cos I AM in labour but I am handling myself with grace and dignity! Silly half-caste know-nothing-at-all doctor”.

I’m not sure what time it is cos as the pain intensified, it slowly began to dawn on me that perhaps, this particular type of pain is nothing like the normal period pain. Soon enough, I am audibly moaning at intervals because, it’s beginning to get really bad! Along the line, I ask my husband to hold my ipod cos the guys in there are no longer soothing anything! And the contractions are coming really fast now. It felt like white hot pain slashing my lower tummy into two. Now I understood exactly what the female doctor earlier had I was no longer all smiles and singing any Holy Ghost hymn. Yep- for sure I was now in labour and it was HELLLLLL!

During the course of this unnecessary drama, I remember thinking how come no one had warned me about this?! It was rather easy to blame it on folks for not telling me about the pain as I had completely forgotten that I had stooped going to antenatal classes and so had missed out on all the lectures they may have given about the kind of pain to expect. At that point, it felt like God was punishing me for all my sins! I also wondered why God had to make it this painful- to what purpose is this pain? Does it redeem us or does it make us acceptable to Him? Why this unbelievable pain?!!!

In spite of the satanic pain, I tried to hold it together and not go as gaga as I would have liked to because I was fully aware that this was my husband’s working place and I didn’t want to embarrass him with my one-man production of Chioma’s version of delivery. Besides, a friend had earlier mentioned that all that screaming and shouting doesn’t help a bit. She advised to just hold it all in. She, however, left out the part of hellish pain. But hold it or not, I was audibly calling onto Jesus to help me cos I just wanted to die! At a point, my husband kept urging me not to push even though I felt like it cos I could incur some serious tears but mehn, that was the only way to ease the pain! So, he would yell, “Chioma, don’t push yet! It’s not time for that yet!” and I would just vigorously nod but silently push to ease the pain.

Finally, when I could take the volcanic fire in my tummy no longer, I asked the nurses to check to see if I was fully dilated because it felt like I could feel the baby’s head. But without even checking, they assured me that since it was a first time birth I still had a long way to go. I overheard one of them whisper to her friend that I had 4 more hours to go. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! No way on earth I was going through this any longer. After what seemed like an eternity, I begged the nurse to just to humour me and check. And with a very amused, long-suffering smile, she checked my butt area, under my bed coverings and almost screamed. ‘She’s crowning!’ God knows that I would have given her a hot slap if she was standing closer to my upper body area. Stupid people!

Then things went crazy after that. They were no longer all hanging around like they were watching a show. Unfortunately, because the doctor in charge was away for lunch, I was at the mercy of a panicked nurse. I saw here grabbing a brand new blade and felt the cutting sensation which felt like a gentle forehead kiss compared to the alien thing tearing through my core right about now!

So, my husband grabs my hand and calmly asks me to push. To my mind, what the hell does that mean?! Push? How? He then smiles and gently explains that it means like wanting to do poo- poo! Ah, why didn’t you say so initially! So, they ask me to sit up, hold my ankles and push. But this was the part I was ready for. I had promised myself that there was no way I was going to have a retarded baby due to my inability to push as hard as I should. So, I was like an athlete poised and ready for takeoff at the sound of the gun.

As soon as they said, ‘Ready? Oya push!’ with a loud scream that sounded to my ears like something from the pit of hell, I pushed out that creature with one single push! Yep, and tore up my insides like crazy! I didn’t care. All I wanted to be sure was that the baby was breathing well and was crying like she should. My husband was all over me with joy and tried to kiss me and all that silliness but I just pushed him away and ordered him to go make sure they don’t turn my baby into a retard behind my back! I mean, after all that work, there was no way I was going to allow some nurses pour sand in my garri! When I heard her crying and overheard them saying she was fine, I called my husband over to come and collect the placenta o! Yes now, we hear of all the nasty things they do with children’s placenta and there was no way I was going to allow them play around with my child’s own!  Yes o, I was in a lot of pain but I was very alert, too! Lol!

By now the doctor had arrived and had this look of shock! Almost like ‘Seriously?! Gurl, you mean you did this behind my back?!’ But in my mind, I was just trying to brace myself for the sewing up of the episiotomy cut the nurse had earlier given me. I had no idea the extent of the tears I had inflicted myself while trying to deliver my genius! So, after much fuss and my constant asking the doctor what was taking him so long, they put me to sleep and sewed me right back up! And in 3 days time, I was on my way home! No, issues!

It was the second pregnancy that was a whole lot more dramatic! First off, the nausea period was murder! I mean, sometimes, I would lie in bed for the 24 hours cos I was too sick to get up! Unfortunately, this time around I was back home with my mum cos my husband had got a job in Saudi Arabia and I had no option but to move back home.Thankfully, this time I had learnt the ‘yes mother. Anything you say, mother’ behavior so we didn’t have issues. In fact we were now very good friends. But my mom detests weakness in any form! It’s like she gets an itch walking through the house and sees folk lying down in bed when it’s not bedtime! I mean, when we were still in primary school, except you were vomiting your intestines, you will still go to school with her words ringing in your head, ‘You can’t afford to be sick!’

So imagine her passing by and seeing me lying down all day with the excuse that I am feeling sick! I think she just managed to control herself from throwing a major fit cos she musta seen how really weak I was. This time around, running to the toilet meant peeing, pooing and vomiting all at the same time! Everyone told me that this was certainly a boy due to all the grief it was putting me through.

The next strangeness I noticed was my frequent bouts of insanity!

On one occasion, a very dear family male friend happened to be around while I was whining about all the misery this pregnancy was causing me. He then, off-handedly said that by now I should be used to it since it’s not my first time and that I shouldn’t be so dramatic! As I listened to the words coming out of his mouth, it was like somebody switched out all the lights in my head and turned on a red-hot one! I turned to him, opened my mouth and just let loose. God knows that I cannot remember anything I said to him that day! What I do remember was his shocked expression and swift exit. My sister smiled and rubbed my hands and gently told me that I was rough on him but I guess she understood. It would be important to note at this point that she was also heavily pregnant with her first child but was quite calm about the whole thing. She gets her strength in crisis quality from my mum…

On many occasions, I would just have this rush of blood to my head whenever somebody did or said something repugnant to me and I would REALLY over-react. I would scream at my husband over the phone for leaving me. I would be extra bitchy to friends. I would be really mean to my daughter and just a major ogre to be around. I just hated myself!

Anyway, the nausea period passed and I moved on to the second trimester and as usual, no doctors, no drugs and no antenatal since I didn’t think I needed anymore lectures as to how to deliver a baby.  Thankfully, we had these 2 wonderful women to take care of us- one was my 1 ½ yr old daughter’s nanny and the other was my mother’s elderly house keeper. So, they were there to take care of my spirited toddler and make sure we were equally comfortable. God bless them both.

So, as we eagerly awaited the delivery of my sister’s son, the period also gave me something else to focus on. For instance, we would go shopping for baby things, function as her chauffeur and drive her to the hospital for her appointments, drive her to work (cos she was adamant about going to work until the last minute) Soon enough, the delivery day came. Since I was a little under the weather, I had my brother do all the running around and all. Along the line, mum called and mentioned that the delivery was no longer progressing and that they had to cut her open. Thankfully, it was a successful operation and in about a week plus, she was back home in time for her son’s naming ceremony looking no worse for the wear.

Observing the way she looked and responded after having CS gave me a brand new idea- instead of going through that horrible ordeal called labour, I could just have a CS and cut through all that pain crap. Easy peassy! So, with that new plan running through my head, I looked forward to the pain-free arrival of my son and began eating like there was no tomorrow!

Finally, my daughter and I joined my husband 4-5 months later in Saudi Arabia and it should have been a nice experience. But it wasn’t cos now, there was no nanny to entertain my almost 2 year old child who now decided that she couldn’t breathe without me holding her at ALL times. No beloved sister to gist with for hours. Unfortunately, we arrived in the middle of their winter period and I was in hell. Plus, I soon developed all sorts of pains around my hip area, back and even limbs.

Anyway, with no place to escape to, my husband monitored me very closely and made sure I took the prescribed drugs as often as possible. We discussed extensively the concept of having the baby through CS. He wasn’t super-excited about it but since it also meant using that opportunity to tie my tubes, I guess he agreed. We spoke to the doctor (who happened to be female this time around) and she was willing to do the surgery. At first, she wondered why I would purposely opt for CS without prior medical issues but after explaining that I also wanted my tubes tied immediately after the surgery, I guess she understood and was on board with the whole thing.

It was also around this time I feel into a very deep depression. Maybe it was the isolation from almost everything I knew- my family and friends. Or the loneliness I felt every time my husband left for work. Or the fear of living in such a strict Muslim, women-hating country. Or the constant wallowing in self-pity and listening to lies spun by Whispering Spirits. I don’t know cos before I knew it, I would be cutting stuff in the kitchen and just wander off in my mind and begin to fantasize about how fast I will bleed to death if I slit my wrist. Some days, I would work the whole suicide plan in my head, as in how I was going to put my daughter to sleep, lock the door and then slit my wrist. Sometimes, I would sit for hours, thinking about my life and just begin to weep uncontrollably. I knew that if I killed myself I would go to hell, but I would argue with myself back and forth about how God will understand how sad I was and would grant me access into heaven.

Then I would then think about my unborn child and how he would not survive and how I would have also killed him and how for that alone, I might be sent to hell. Then I thought about who will look after my little girl and the trauma she may have for the rest of her life walking in on a dead mother with blood all over the floor.

Somehow, God pulled me out of that insane state of mind. Looking back now, it is not surprising that I became this depressed because right about this time, I had stopped reading my Bible or even praying. Things started getting better when I found out that I was having another girl! I was so excited because that’s what I always wanted- 2 girls! My husband wasn’t that excited but when he noticed how happier I became, he kinda got used to it. He often says that his grouse is with God and not me. That he had prayed and specifically asked for a son and if God thought it best to give us 2 girls, then He knows what He’s doing. Ha! I know he would really love to have a son. Incidentally, he often has dreams that he refers to as ‘nightmares’ where each time I had another baby, it was always another girl! Lol!

Fast forward to the scheduled delivery day. We all arrived at the hospital. I’m not as excited as the first time but as I wait to be wheeled into the theatre, I am wishing I could press a fast-forward button and get to the end with the baby in my arms and all of us on our way home. They shave me down there and put a catheter in my vijayjay (an uncomfortable sensation but you soon get used to it) and wheel me to the theatre. This time, I make my husband record the whole thing on video since I won’t be awake most of the time.

The next thing I remember is opening my eyes to seeing lots of people standing around and I was a bit scared. But the main thing I was acutely aware of was THE PAIN! It was like I had been in a samurai sword fight and got shredded to ribbons or something. I knew I was in a conservative Muslim country and all that but as I grew more alert, the pain intensified and I could help but call out to Jesus several times! I remember also raining abuses on my sister for misleading me to believe that there wasn’t going to be any pain involved. My mom called to congratulate me but I almost told her to take her greetings of joy and shove it down the toilet cos I was in so much pain!

Apparently, my decision to go through this medium and tie my tubes as well was a huge deal around here cos it was strange for them to see a healthy, young woman with 2 female children opting for such a drastic, permanent form of contraception. You should have seen the amount of forms they made me sign in my pain-crazed state. Sometimes, I think they purposely let me wake up to the pain to punish me! My mother-in-law was taken aback, too but when her son explained that we had already discussed this while we were courting that after the second child we were going to tie my tubes, I guess she just let it go.

Then I had to hang around until I had farted before they will let me eat anything. The nurses were all up on grill to get up from bed and walk around like the other Arabian women who show no pain. But I was this close to telling them to take their Arab Superwoman teachings and jump right into the middle of hell for all I cared. Turned out I had some kind of stomach ulcer and even had to be admitted a second time in the hospital.

So eventually, the pain I was running away from was spread out for a period of almost 1 month! Might as well have endured the natural delivery and gotten it over within a few hours. But thank God I didn’t cos my girl was so huge when she was brought out that the pediatrician asked if she was post-term! Also turns out I had no idea when I had taken in so she must have stayed a whole lot longer than initially thought cos she came out with a full head of hair and long nails (unlike her sister who came out looking like a pre-historic, hairless lizard! He he he!!!)

This wasn't written to scare anybody! So, what is the moral of the story?

1)      Well, the first thing is to prepare yourself for pain, either way (whether natural delivery/CS)

2)      Know for sure your menstrual cycle so that when the doctors ask you about your last menstrual          period you don’t act retarded like me and say, ‘I don’t know!’

3)      ATTEND YOUT PRE-NATAL CLASSES!

4)      Take all the supplements they prescribe for you and eat properly. The doctors (sometimes)                   know what they are talking about ;)

5)      Do all the necessary exercises prescribed. 

6)      Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible so that you can ask the right questions and be           given answers that will benefit you.

7)      If you are uncomfortable with a doctor, be brave enough to change him/her no matter how                wonderful other people say they are.

8)      Rid yourself of all fears and anxieties. Fill your mind instead with the Word of God. Surround                yourself with promises of God and His loving atmosphere so that negative and poisonous ideas don’t start popping up in your mind.

9)      Discuss with your spouse/fiancé the kind of contraceptive method that would be beneficial to               the both of you. Use the courtship period to discuss and settle with yourselves how many kids you would both like to have. Arrive at a number and trust God to take care of the rest.

10)  Spend time talking to your babies, laying hands on them, even in the womb, and pronounce all             kinds of blessings on them. Everyday say at least one word of glorious prophecy upon their lives.You will be pleasantly amazed at the creature you will produce at the end of the day!

Elements I love about the movie "Thor"

So, like most folks that know me, I am really all about movies. ‘Matter of fact, I am usually happiest left alone to immerse myself in film-after-film and just as equally stuffing my face! He he he! Anyway, so I had promised myself to make it a tradition every year to watch Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ . However, I reneged on that promise. I guess, I wasn’t that keen to watch it again this year or maybe I was too busy. I don’t know.

But what I did watch, during the Passion week, was the 2011 box office hit Thor. Ah, yes, you Holy Ghost ladies out there, don’t hate on me! Lol! Yes, I sat down and watched it again and was grinning like an idiot from the beginning to the end. Truthfully, isn’t Chris Hemsworth the yummiest thing ever?! I practically audibly groaned at that scene where the scientists were trying to fit him into normal every day clothes- THAT  BODY!!! (swoon!).  Like someone once said, it was like God was in a really good mood the day He made that nephlim (the word I use to describe beautiful men.) Alright moving on!

Now, in spite of all the gorgeousness, folk lore and fantastical elements to the film, I couldn’t help but see some similarities between the character of Thor and our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Now, before you hiss and close this silly article, please just hear me out, ok? There were some specific parts in the movie that jumped out at me, bringing me to the above inference- some of which I shall try to describe.

For instance, that scene where Thor walks up to the giant of destruction sent by Loki, his brother, and tries to appeal to him to stop all the destruction in exchange for his life:

"Brother, whatever I have done to wrong you, whatever I have done to lead you to do this, I am truly sorry! But these people are innocent. Taking their lives will gain you nothing. So take mine and end this". 

The next thing that happens is that the giant turns to walk away but suddenly turns back and hits Thor hard, sending him flying through the air and when he falls, he is all battered and broken and then dies. When our hero lies dead, the Mjollnir (Thor’s magic hammer embedded in the stone that everyone had tried to lift to no avail) suddenly lifts itself from the stone and flies straight into the hand of Thor bringing him back to life after which Thor gets up and defeats the death giant.

After he destroys the giant, Thor struts out from the dust in triumph. This time no longer in his tattered earth clothes but garbed in his royal, god-status robes of majesty, power and glory?! Wow!  I couldn’t help my shouts and squeals of victory and immense pleasure because him now glorified was truly something to behold and a sight for sore eyes!

Now, relating all of the above mentioned snippets of the film to Jesus, do you not see elements of Christ in the now humble Thor, who gives his life to spare the lives of his friends? Does it not remind of the words of Christ:

Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

(John 15:13 King James Version) 

Just like Jesus, he willing gave up his life to save his friends. Just like the devil, Loki takes his life believing he was forever done with Thor. And just like Loki, the devil had no idea that he was going along with God’s plan for the redemption of all of mankind by killing Jesus. According to the Apostle Paul:

Which none of the princes of this world knew: for had they known it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.

(1 Cor. 2:8 . King James Version) 

How were the ‘princes of this world’ (referring to the devil and his satanic host) to know that killing Jesus was exactly what God wanted them to do? They never would have thought that His death was the secret God had been hiding from them through the ages. Because, it is through His death that all who will believe in and receive Him can come into newness of life and truly begin to live. In the same vein, Loki had no idea that killing Thor was the key to reinstating him to his god-status and his (ie Loki) eventual downfall.

Another scene that jumped out at me was that part where Odin (Thor's father) in his comatose state, weeps when his son dies. I couldn’t help but relate his sorrow to the pain God the Father must have felt watching His Son hanging on the cross and bearing upon Himself the sin of the world. Remember, John the Baptist had 3 years earlier pointed out Jesus by saying of Him:

 "Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!

(John 1:29. New Living Translation)

The truth of the matter is that God cannot bear the sight of sin and so had no option but to turned away from the sight of His Son, covered from head to toe with the sin of the whole world. That’s saying nothing of the excruciating, mind numbing, out-of-this-world pain that He knew His precious Son was experiencing at this time. It therefore possible to infer that Jesus must have physically felt God withdrawing from Him which therefore was probably why He cried out in anguish so deep that it must have made even God weep:

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?!

(Mark 15:34. The Message Translation)

When Jesus died, He passed on to the same place all human spirits go to when they die. It is important to stress here that He did indeed die as it is actually documented that he was pronounced dead after a soldier pierced His side with a spear and blood and water gushed out, solidifying the fact that He was indeed dead. 

So, there He is trapped in the place of the dead with no hope whatsoever of ever getting out. And here comes Satan and his cohorts squealing in glee and victory that their enemy was finally in their custody. Imagine the relief and excitement they must have felt thinking that they had finally beaten God at His own game. Imagine all the blasphemous taunts and jeers they must have thrown at Jesus. One can only imagine the kind of satanic party that must have been declared in hell that day!

Well, they shouldn’t have been so quick to celebrate because 3 days later from nowhere, a light so bright that it temporarily blinded everyone streamed into the depths of hell and infused the body of Jesus (just like Thor’s hammer flew to him and brought him back to life) and right before their very eyes, the one who was supposed to be one of their slaves was suddenly, that’s right you guessed it, ALIVE and shinning like the light from the Sun! Yee ha!

This equally reminds me of another similar film where a powerful mortal gives up his life  to save a loved one and eventually receives his god status back after such a sacrifice- the 1997 Disney animation Hercules. For those of you who have seen it, I wonder if you remember that scene where he makes a deal with Hades, god of the dead, to trade places with Meg. In other words, to stay in the pool of death forever and let Meg go free and back to the land of the living.  What he didn’t realize, before jumping into the pool, was that he would die even before he reaches the floating soul of his beloved Meg.

And just as the 3 Fates held his mortal thread of life to snap it in two and thereby forever sealing his fate in the bowels of hell, something glorious happened! They thread would not cut. ‘Matter of fact the more they tried to snap it with their devilish scissors, the more their scissors broke into pieces! They failed to observe that the thread had changed from the weak, puny white thread of a normal mortal into a robust and golden one.

As for Hades, he just couldn’t believe the son of his hated rival had not only survived and was actually now walking out free and victorious, but that he had equally rescued Meg, was alive, healthy, shinning like the light from the sun and was now a god! The magnitude of what he was seeing with his eyes nearly gave him a heart attack! He he he!

And just like the scriptures, both Hurcules and Thor in their own small way, depict what Jesus did the instant He was resurrected. I LOVE the way the Message Bible Translation puts it:

He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets!

(Col. 2:15)

No wonder Satan has done everything, through-out the course of time since then even till now, to make the Cross of Jesus and the message of the death and resurrection of Jesus into a joke. He has watered down the magnitude of his defeat by replacing it with the Easter bunny and Easter eggs.  In the entertainment industry, he has turned the cross to a fashion accessory and made a mockery of all references to the blood of Jesus and the power behind the mention of the name of Jesus!

When the truth of the matter is that every time that name is mentioned by a blood washed saint, who fully believes in the finished work of Jesus, Satan gets a flash back of that day. He remembers when Jesus, God in the form of a man, took them all by surprise (like the Trojan horse) and calmly collected the keys to hell, snatched back all the power that he had stolen from Adam, and in the presence of all his captives, stripped him and all his demons and angels to their skivvies with a blink of His lashes and marched them up and down in total, utter, unredeemable humiliation- on their own turf!

And just like Thor and Hercules strutted out in triumph and glory from the pits of hell, Jesus walked out of that grave victorious, glorified and immortal. And just so we don’t forget, He reminds John in Revelations 1:18:

I AM he who lived and died, and behold, I am alive to the eternity of eternities, amen, and I have the key of Death and of Sheol.

(Aramaic Bible in Plain English)

These days, the devil has deceived billions into think that Jesus never really existed or that even if He did exist, well, that He never really died on the Cross but that he was switched. Or that even if He did die, He never rose from the grave. But Jesus, in His own words, tells John in the above scripture that He existed right from the beginning of time (reference to the phrase I AM used above. It is the name of God revealed to Moses at the burning bush), took the form of man lived on earth (all man and all God) died a death so shameful and cruel on a criminal’s cross and rose from the dead, not to later die again but lives forever more- never to die again. And not only that, He now holds the keys to Satan’s front door and death no longer has a hold on Him as all power in heaven and on earth has been given to Him (Matt. 28:18). And just as He is so shall we eventually be. Hallelujah!

Another similarity between Thor and our blessed Lord Jesus is the scene, where Thor says to Jane Foster just before He returns to his homeland with his friends to continue the battle:

I must go back to Asgard. But I give you my word, I will return for you.

Doesn’t that remind you of the promise of Jesus to us:

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

(John 14:3. King James Version)

That scene where he kisses her hand after he made that promise suddenly let me see, just a tiny bit, why the church is referred to as the Bride of Christ. Because He has gone, just like any bridegroom goes to make a home ready for his new bride, to prepare a home for his wife- a preparation that has taken over 2,000 years. It is so amazing what He is doing up there that the Apostle Paul says in 1 Cor. 2:9 says:

That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."

(New living Translation)

And one fine day, God like turn to His Son and give Him that secret nod signaling, “It is time”. Then Michael, the archangel, will give the shout and the trump of God shall sound as Jesus Himself comes down, like an eager bridegroom, to receive His bride.  It will a great sight indeed to once again, see dead folks like my Popsie raising from the dead and the rest of us blood washed saints, who heard the shout and the trumpet sound, in an instant, transformed with incorruptible bodies and we will all go to finally be reunited with the One who loved us enough to die in our place. We would be that beautiful glorious bride walking down the aisle to meet our Groom and be joined to Him and be forevermore with Him! Hallelujah! (1 These. 4:16-17)

This is why none of us should miss the rapture of the saints because according to how the scripture paints it, this wedding ceremony is a party to end all parties and one that will never occur again so that if you missed it, sorry! I mean, we are talking of a party that will be running for 7 years by earth’s standards! Wowzer! Not even P Diddy can throw such a party!

Hollywood has, over the course of time, been taken over by the princes of this world and has managed to deceive billions of people as to the nature and person of God. Yet, despite the thick saturation of demonic influence God, in all His love and power, still shows bits of Himself in tiny flashes here and there and if you are observant enough you will catch glimpses of Him. Rom 1:20 so clearly corroborates this concept. I love the way the Aramiac Bible in Plain English version puts it:

For the secrets of God from the foundation of the world are appearing to his creatures through intelligence, even his power and his eternal Godhead, that they will be without a defense,

‘Defense’ there meaning that folks will no longer have any excuse to say, oh, we didn’t know that God exists. I don’t know about y’all but movies literary mean the world to me and every one of I watch, at the end of it I always like to go over it in my mind as to what lessons I learned from it or where I saw flashes of God. This is not to saw that ALL of them show bits of God but I am always watchful for those delightful flashes.

Going back to the 2 specific movies I mentioned, I want us to realize that the Jesus we celebrate every Easter/Resurrection Sunday is not some weak, puny, sad looking Jewish guy that was beaten till he practically bled to death or the broken creature hanging from a cross. Oh yes, He was broken and thoroughly battered on that cross- no doubt. But right now, He is the Lion of the tribe of Judah, a conquering Warrior, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He’s literary so awesome Thor, Hercules or all of the super heroes combined have nothing on Him. He beats each and every one of them in billions, hands down!

But the best part of it is that it’s not some pretty movie star He has sights on- it’s you precious sister reading this. He’s got eyes for only you! And unlike Jane Foster who may have lost all contact or hope of ever seeing her love again, we have the promise of the One who never lies or makes a mistake or ever taken by surprise- a promise that He will one day return for us to be with Him forever and never ever to part again.

not only that- I truly am convinced that as He hung on that cross and felt even God abandoning Him, He knows exactly what it feels like to be all alone with nothing or no one to lean on. That is why, I believe, before He left His disciples, He made this solemn vow:

Lo, I am with you to the end of time!

(Matt. 28:20)

And He kept it cos unlike Jane who had to endure time away from Thor, we get to have Him with us every single second, minute and hour of every day in the person of the Holy Spirit. ‘Matter of fact, He’s sitting right there beside you!

One example of someone who fully grasped the truth of this promise was the Scottish missionary to Central Africa, David Livingstone. After 16 years of service in Africa, he returned to Scotland and was asked to speak at the University of Glasgow. One of his arms had been rendered useless, the result of a lion's attack. His body bore physical evidence of the suffering he had endured with 27 bouts of jungle fever. His face was a leathery brown from exposure to the elements. And it was creased from the cares of a hard life battling the Turks and the slave traders. 

A hush swept over the students at the University of Glasgow as they prepared to listen to this man, realizing this was no ordinary person.

"Shall I tell you what sustained me amidst the trials and hardship and loneliness of my exiled life?"

He asked as he knew that that was the question on everyone’s mind.

"It was a promise, the promise of a gentleman of the most sacred honor; it was this promise, 'Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.'" 

(Matt. 28:20)

When Livingstone died, they found his body bent in prayer as he had knelt by his bed. Beside him was a well-worn New Testament opened up to Matthew 28. In the margin beside verse 20 was this notation:  

"The Word of a Gentleman."

Happy Resurrection/Easter celebration in arrears and may the fullness of what the Lord did for us fully be impacted in your minds and spirits! Have a glorious day, sisters! Love and kisses!!!

Making love in the club

Well, I'm glad I got your attention with my caption. Apparently, we have to shock y'all to be able to get readership these days but its all good, right? Just thought I should give you a short description of some mischief I've been up to. And it's not what you think! Lol!

Last Sunday, my roommate finally talked me into leaving my cozy room and go to a "Slow Jam" event with her where we were going to meet tons of glorious black men. To those of you that know me, you know I was super stocked about that concept, especially living in Vancouver where there are hardly any "Morris Chestnut" or "Boris Kudjoe" look-alikes walking around around here.

Just so everyone knows, I was only going to feed my eyes and be the sisterly support system to my dear friend. So please you can stop rolling your eyes- I am married to Jesus! Lol!

So Sunday evening comes and we get all dolled up. I looked in my wardrobe to find the closest thing I had to a "club-appropriate" apparel. I finally found this form fitting camouflage dress. After almost fainting from the work-out of trying to pour myself into the dress, I slapped my 'face' on and we were soon on our way, excited about the delicious pool of glorious black men we were about to dive into. 

Wish I could show you the full dress but at the time I was taking the picture, I was too lazy to stand to do any photoshoots.

Anyway, I was feeling all sexy and good with myself in my just-below-the knee form-fitting dress thinking about how I was going to be a show- stopper, putting all the other girls to shame. Well, you imagine my chagrin on getting there and seeing the other girls in their skimpy outfits, ended up feeling like a middle aged aunt dressed up for church. There was no going back so I had to shut those whispering spirits up in my head and feel beautiful, no matter matter what. That's right ladies, even as I was walking into the "devils playground" (that is, my pet phrase for clubs) I was whispering scriptures to myself about how I am fearfully and wonderfully made even in my US size 16 spandex-heavy dress.  And it worked like a charm! 

Finally, we got into the club and to my shock and surprization, it was not the den of glorious black men as we were initially made to believe. Instead, the hall was full of wriggling bodies of people of all colors of the rainbow! And very few black men! We wouldn't be needing the services of a Hebrew prophet to know that Chioma was horribly disappointed but the show, as they say, must go on.

Soon, the excitement and high energy of the loud hip-hop music was getting to me. The DJ was playing all those jams from the 90s and I soon got all nostalgic. Now because this was my very first time in a Vancouver "devils playground", I took my time to look and take in the ambiance of the place. I noticed the service and was amazed at how those bar-tenders were able to hear the peoples' orders over all that noise. I noticed the security and an how wide eyed they were to any mischief. We soon wondered to the DJ's table, you know, to get a feel of the place and I kept trying to peep into his work station to see if I knew what software he was using to churn out the music. I soon noticed that running a successful club took some  serious manpower and not a venture to go into without the proper market research. So yeah, I was wearing my Producer cap on whist enjoying the music and such.

So, there we were 4 lovely black women waiting for the brothas to step up and attempt a love connection with us. Oh yes, I said it- I was looking forward to being hit on. It doesn't change the fact that I'm still married to Jesus! Stop rolling your eyes, I say! Lol!

The nerve of those black guys- not one single one talked to me all that time we were there! It was rather disappointing, to tell you the truth. Yes, I got hit on by 2 "brown" guys though- so it was not a total loss. One of the girls in our crew, actually tried to reach out to one of the black guys, you know, sort of like if Moses would not come to the mountain, the mountain will come to Moses. You would not believe what this black man did! He looked horribly offended that she would speak to him and in her very before turned and walked up to one of the millions of blonde haired girls in the hall and spoke to her instead!

Black people, we were in that club from like 12 midnight till 3am and not once did any of these black men even smile in our direction. To say that it was depressing is putting it mildly. For me, I had fun. Aside the music, the club had this "special feature" of playing the music video to each song, so I was entranced in the world of  R&B and Hip-Hop music and the whole magic of being taken back in time to my teen years and seeing again so many of these exciting artists we loved such as Heavy D, New Edition, Shaka Demos & Pliars, LL Cool J, Naughty by Nature, Foxy Brown, SWV, Kriss Kross, TLC, Jodeci, Silk, Salt n, Pepa, Puff Daddy, Tweet, Busta Rhymes to mention just a few. But I couldn't help but feel bad for the ladies who had hoped for a love connection.

My verdict? Not because I'm a married Christian woman or trying to feel self-righteous with myself  or any of that but personally, I don't think "the devils playground" (aka the club) is the place to meet a guy. I don't know about y'all but how does one have a meaningful conversation with all that noise?!! And let's not begin to talk about how many times they keep saying, "What, What" because they don't understand my"accent". 

Secondly, I think a lot of the black men in Vancouver are selfish. Hey, I'm not saying you shouldn't love white women and all that. (I mean, Jesus died for White people, too!) but have you ever taken out time to consider how black women feel every time you pass them by to holla instead at the fair skinned woman. Perhaps, many of you have never considered the silent message that behavior screams to black women. If you don't know,  then please allow me to enlightening you- Brothas what you are indirectly saying is that we are not good enough. That we are not desirable enough. That we are not worthy enough and that we are substandard to our Caucasian counterparts. Get me right- I'm not here to bash white people o! Like I said, Jesus died for them too and He loves everyone equally and I have no beef with them whatsoever.

For my black sisters out there, take heart. At the end of the day, it comes down to our perspective. I know its easier said than done but the truth of the matter is that we need to find a way to love ourselves no matter what. My take on the whole this is to just develop what I call the "Abraham attitude". Rom 4: 19- 25 says:

 Abraham didn’t focus on his own impotence and say, “It’s hopeless. This hundred-year-old body could never father a child.” Nor did he survey Sarah’s decades of infertility and give up. He didn’t tiptoe around God’s promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That’s why it is said, “Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right.” But it’s not just Abraham; it’s also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God. 

(The Message translation)

   

The keyword phrase here being, "He didn't focus on the problem". Rather, he gave full attention to God's promise of a son. Such that even though it took a while for the promise to materialize (25 years, to be exact) in the end, EVERYTHING God promised eventually happened and everyone gave God all the glory. In the same vein, I think the strategy for black women now is to turn and give their full attention to God's promises rather than the problem. It is clear from the above scripture that whatever we give full attention to will dominate our minds and will yield results- good or bad. 

We can flip that inference and say that if Abraham had focused instead on the hopelessness of the situation and gave full reign to the despair and misery, he would have died a bitter, jaded unhappy old man. But he instead made a conscious choice to turn his back on the "facts" and focus his attention on a God that can make the impossible possible. My recommendation is that we adopt that mentality. So what if "the fact" is that black women are not loved or desirable? So what if the "the fact' is that they have mountains of issues with our larger-than-life colorful personalities? So what if "the fact" is that time is passing by and we are getting shoved aside and not getting married like all our other friends? 

Ladies, I am here to put the choice before you- do you want to languish in that pain, sorrow and disappointment or would you choose to shift your focus and attention to more pleasant thoughts and ideas like God's Word that promises that He will grant you the desires of our heart; that He loves us warts and all; that we are precious in His sight; that He will supply ALL our needs according His riches in glory by Christ Jesus?  

You need to understand some home truths and stop comparing yourself to anyone else. Ladies, God gave us our loud and colorful personalities. He didn't make a mistake giving us our rich dark colors. He lovingly molded and shaped our big booties, our shapely thighs and thick, succulent lips. With care, He gave each tight curl on our scalps their numbers and knows by heart each one that falls off our heads.He gave us that tough exterior as a camouflage and amour to protect our large, jelly-soft hearts big enough to love anyone and anything back to life. He pumped rhythm into our blood and shaped our wide hips to wind them in joyful abandon in dance and celebration of  His glory. He filled our lungs with our loud, melodious laughs as our strength to find joy even in the worst of circumstances. He even gave us our boisterous personalities as evidence that nothing under heaven can break our spirits (unless we give them permission to).

Sisters, there is so much we can be thankful for. Won't you join the revolution now that will choose to focus on His promises? He has given us this longing to be married and start a family as evidence that those feelings are legitimate feelings that happy, loving homes are His will for us. Please let us cease from hate, bitterness, fear and worry to turn to this God who loves so dearly and believe that He knows what He is doing. Black white, brown, yellow, red or purple- whichever one it is, the one God has destined for you will find his way to you if you will just trust and give attention to His promises rather than the "problem".

Grace, peace and blessings.