Saturday 11 July 2015

You should let me love you...

For a minute  now, I have been quiet because I really had nothing to say. Now for those of you that know me, that doesn't mean I haven't been busy. To get straight to the gist, I decided to carry out a social experiment and part of the result is what I have below.

I grew up hearing that queer saying that "men are from Mars and women are from Venus", but never really agreed with it. What I believed was that yes- we may see things from different perspectives based on so many factors like nature and nurture and all that psychological mumbo-jumbo we learned in Uni. However, with education, films, books, the internet, technology, surely we are getting closer to understanding and knowing how members of the opposite sex think.

Sadly, the mistake in my theory was failure to factor in matters of the heart. What I discovered was that in spite of how "evolved" we may think we have become, when it comes to men/women relationships, we have not really advanced as much.

Below is a compilation of a series of interviews conducted on several members of both sexes. Instead of writing out a long, tedious report, detailing the questions asked and hours of back-breaking analysis, yours truly decided to hook all y'all up and make it a bit more fun. Please read with an open mind and I would really love to hear your take on it, Chocolate Nation.



The guy
You there!
Look at me. I'm looking at you
I like what I see. I know you like what you see
I see the stars in your eyes when you look at me
I like the way you put your head down demurely when I smile at you
When I whisper things in your ear only you can hear
When I touch you
When I tell you that I want you, all of you
The filthy things I would like to do to you
When I look at you like I want to eat you whole
I like it when you loose your voice when I stand real close
When your eye glaze over when I bend down to....hmmm...smell you
I like it when you take the lead
Grab me by my shirt and pull me to yourself
Stand on tip-toes and kiss me
Shyly, at first, like you aren't sure
Then with more certainty.
Instantly transformed from a girl to a woman
I like this woman
She is wild, passionate, uninhabited, reckless
A freak
I want to explore her some more
But you withdraw.Why?
I can see the war in your mind, hear the conflicting thoughts in your head
I can understand them. But I don't care to explore them with you
They are your beliefs and I do respect them
However I want you...in the worst kind of way
And somehow we have to do something about these your big ideas
I like how you chase me, beg me to stay,
I love how you worship me
Don't expect me to do the same
Told you from the beginning- I want your Kitty Kat- nothing more
You can keep that "love shit" for the next sucker
I don't need it
Matter of fact, I don't want it
Damnnnnnnn gurl, you give great head!
Where did you learn how to do that?
And you say you don't like it
You are such a liar
I bet you do this with all the guys I see around you
And I am going to have ALL of you. Soon...
What now? Walls again?
Your big ideas again?
Baby, all them walls came crashing down the minute you took me in your lips
And swallowed.
Let's just get this over with already
Tired of these games
Chocolate Princess, I can't hold back anymore
You talk too damn much
Truth be told, I don't listen to half the shit you say anyway
Just waiting for the part when you let me in
You keep saying all these things...that you don't want this
But your eyes, lips, hips and heartbeat are telling me different
Damnnnnnn, gurl, you are sooo wet
Come on gurl, let me in!
Yes! In! Finally
Ohhhhhhh, gurl, you feel so good!
Fuuuuuuuck!
Tell me this Kitty Kat is all mine
Go on- say it is
All mine
No one else allowed here
What? You like being told what to do?
I knew you were a freak!
On your knees!! Now!!!
Take me in your mouth and suck
Yes! Suck, bitch, suck!
And swallow every last drop
What? You don't feel safe?
Well, it's not my responsibility to make you feel safe
Cos I ain't your tribesman no more
I ain't your friend
I am your master
I own you
Now open up
Let me into that thick, juicy, chocolate, yummy goodness
What is this? Guilt? I ain't got time for that!
Vulnerability? Even worse
I don't have time to cuddle you
You knew the score
That's the spirit- no guilt trips
I need you nice, wet, eager when I want you again
And yes- silent too
Your thoughts, emotions, needs, fears don't count here
It's all about me
I thought you said you didn't want this?
You are such a liar
I don't respect you
But damnnnnn... I love your Kitty Kat!



The girl
Me?
You talking to me?
You see me?
Didn't think anyone could
I like what I see, too
Your smile, your easy laugh, your ability to make me feel...normal
Like I matter
But I musn't
You belong to someone else
What? Be your girl?
What does that even mean?
I can't
You are too dangerous
You make me lose the ability to think when you stand close
Mouth goes dry. Hands shake a bit
Damnnnnn...creaming my panties too
Didn't think this was possible anymore
At my age?! Breathless like a 16 year old
What the hell is the matter with me? Why am I so weak around you?
Why do you have this effect on me?!
I love having you around, though
Talking to you
You do say some hurtful things sometimes
But its ok- you are here. Talking to me
I know I don't mean much to you but a girl can hope, right?
I can't believe it- you are always in my thoughts
I dress up thinking of how your eyes will glow when you see me
Finally! I get you to see me in my finery
Would give all my back teeth to have you look at me like that again
And again
And again
And tell me how beautiful I am
Why does it matter what you think?
Shiiiiiiiiit- I'm in love with you
That's why! Damnnnnnnn!!
Of all things to befall me
What? You want me on my knees
I want to please you
Make you want me for more than what my body parts can do for and to you.
Why don't you want to talk to me?
Will this make you want tme more?
Maybe
Yeaaaaah, I bet you like that
Like how I take you all in, Daddy?
You like how I swallow all your creamy, pineapple-juice goodness?
How did I learn to do that?
I don't know...I listened to your body
Why don't you want to listen to mine?
Wow- this shit does make you open up emotionally, does it?
Or maybe you know if you talk to me for a bit, I'll let you in
I'm done fighting you
I want to know what the fuss is all about
Want to know what you'll feel like
You are my friend, aren't you?
Surely you won't hurt me
Can I trust you?
In. Ooooook. Feels nice. At least...
Saying all the shit you want me to say
Waiting...
Letting you invade me from behind
This pleases you, doesn't it?
Will it make you love me?
Even for a bit?
Why am I so wet? Can't you tell its because I'm in love with you?
I am not this way with everyone else
Though sadly, I think you actually believe I do this with every Tom-Dick-Harry...
Flip over- want to see your face
I'm no slave girl you trounce from behind
I'm a human being, with a soul
A goddess even
I want you to see that
Need you to see.
Waiting still...
Listen to you as you "jump off the cliff"
Waiting to jump too...
Nothing.
The earth did not move
But hey, you didn't promise that it would
After all, this is really all about you, isn't it?
Wish I didn't care like I did
Then it wouldn't hurt so much
But damnnnnn....I love the shit outta you!

I promised myself to keep this nice and short, Please note that these findings are not conclusive- the experiment is yet ongoing and I shall be updating y'all on how things have progressed.

You know I always like to end on a happy, hopeful note. So here it is-

Fine! So what if many of us have been burned by members of the opposite sex?! Who hasn't? The key is not to let it make us bitter but sweeter. As a child of God, I don't believe anything takes God by surprise and I do not believe that He didn't see the hurt coming to a child of His and not have an escape or healing plan in mind.

Can we be real here, Chocolate Princesses and Children of the Most High God?! See, if we are being honest with ourselves, we can admit that during the course of dealing with some types of dude we know are really good for us, can we all admit that the Holy Ghost does whisper warnings? But lawd have mercy, that brother is sometimes just too yummy- especially if he has all those things you secretly desire in your mate. Even when he seems sincere, we know, deep down that all the sweet things he's saying are all lies and can see through all the crap. And don't even get me started on the guys that can lay it down well, give you multiple orgasms that make your toes curl 3 x backwards! For that kind, I will rob a bank if he tells me to (if that is the price for his constant ministrations, love and attention). Just keeping it real, ladies! Lol!

A lot of us have been there and that's ok. No need to beat yourself up. God loves you and He does want the best for you. Way forward? I would suggest the following:
1. Educate yourself because knowledge and its application is indeed power
2. Ask more questions that will help you better understand the  the male psyche, especially from your male friends,
3. Don't be overtly guarded- I know this is hard but always remember that God has not given you a spirit of fear but of Power, Love and a Sound mind
4. Refuse to be bitter. Keep your sweet disposition and don't let any human morph you into something God never designed you to be- a twisted, bitter, jaded, angry version of yourself. God forbid!
5. Always remember that no man can give you what only God can.

For some of us, we have gone around seeking for that "extra something" that we cannot explain in human terms. We've moved from the arms of one man to another, desperately seeking that Father's love and every time, without fail, getting hurt, disappointed and disillusioned! Some us have been called all sorts of names and misunderstood for most of our lives; others have decided to agree with some of these evil labels and have sunk to such a low that 'decent folk" do not want to be associated with them- even family.

Aren't you so glad that isn't the end of our story? I can just see him now. Look up Chocolate Nation- It's bird! Its a plane...nooooo! It's Jesus- the Great Lover of our souls and the Champion of our faith flying in to our rescue! Hallelujurrrrrr!!! The One who loves us, NO MATTER WHAT! If you let Him, He wants to love you sooooo good, it will spin your head 360 degrees 100x over! Lol!

Ladies, as a wise friend of mine once said- the game is not over, there are always comebacks! I totally agree! Its not over till we are dead, right?! So what that we make the same mistakes 5 million times? So what that we fall for the same guys every frigging time even after knowing the Lord all our lives? So what?! Come on, pick up yourself and start all over. Jesus has never given upon you so why should you?! Did you think you took Him by surprise with that thing you did last night? Are you arrogant enough to believe that you can chase the Holy Ghost away with your sins? Child, please!

Who do you think will counsel you out of the pit you dug yourself in? Didn't He promise NEVER to leave or forsake you? Who will send the Word that will deliver you from the destruction and the pit? And FYI, while you were giving that silly brother "great head" Holy Ghost was right there with you- He ain't EVER going nowhere! Quit listening to all those lies religion has told you over the years! He loves you and He wants to help you. Please, let Him- get over yourself and get with the Holy Ghost program!

He loves you!
He sees you as awesome
He sees you as special cos you are!!!




Saturday 20 September 2014

Still dropping it like it's "Hot" centuries after Sara Baartman?




Who was Sara Baartman? 


Now, that is a name every black girl/woman should know! Sara ‘Saartjie’ Baartman was a South African slave/servant girl that was carted away to England in the early 1800s to be shown as an exotic bird from the ‘Dark Continent’. Her dark skin and ‘unusual sized’ buttocks became a source of wonder and fascination for the Europeans who had never seen a naked black woman up front. The “Hottentot Venus”, as she was named, was kept in a cage and dressed up to look like a ‘savage’ with just a covering over her genitalia due to her insistence to cover that area. She was also made to prance, growl like an animal and shake her romp for the viewing pleasure of the paying London public.


Long and short of the story- she was a huge sensation, made a lot of money her “guardians” and even started a fashion trend among the European women.  Below on the left is a drawing of how The Hottentot Venus was paraded on stage. People were fascinated by her bum and for an extra fee were allowed to touch it to see that it was real. The picture on the right is that of the fashion trend her bum began. In the late 1800s, after her death, the addition of back cushions underneath the clothes of the female gentry became the rave. Suddenly large rear ends became desirably by the very same people who thought a woman with a big behind was less than human!


          Image result for late 1800 fashion images                    


For Sara, it didn't end so well. When the Europeans got tired of her, she was tossed out of ‘polite society’ leaving the abandoned former ‘freak show attraction’ to dull her pain with alcohol and support herself through prostitution. She died at 25 from an unknown disease.

The kicker, however, was the fact that her body was claimed by a scientist who made a caste of her body, pickled her brain and genitalia and put them on display at a science exhibition center in France. His findings, from his dissection of the remains of Sara, were that the “species” from which the Hottentot Venus originated were less than human. This erroneous deduction further gave credence to Colonialism and the belief that the Caucasoid race was by far superior to the Negroid race.

Sigh...Now before you hiss and start yapping about how I am all about race, please just hear me out. Yes- in ignorance or even malice and greed, a lot of wrongs have been done to the black race and that's horrible. It was the past and we cannot do anything about it. What we CAN do is to never forget where we are coming from. As a Christian, I am a strong believer that one of the reasons why the Bible begins with a history lesson is because God expects us to learn from the mistakes of those that have gone before us. Apparently, God does not necessarily agree with the saying, “experience is the best teacher”.

History, they say, keeps repeating itself and nothing really is new under the sun. Even now, we still our sisters displaying their wares and the “badest bitch in the block” is the one with the biggest romp. Our bodies, just like it was for Sara, are still objects of fascination, fetishism and commercialism. Oh, and there are some willing to pay extra to have a clever surgeon specially craft their bodies to look like slimmer versions of the Hottentot Venus.



 Image result for k michelle's butt images                            Related image                 Image result for amber rose's butt images
   K-Michelle from Love and Hip-Hop, Atlanta.                              Hip-Hop Queen, Nicki Minaj                                  Amber Rose, Hip-Hop Personality



But asides, the entire circus that surrounds the Black woman’s rear end, there was another sinister phenomenon that reared its head and slipped into the way she began to view herself. A couple of friends and I were arguing the other day about the origin of the negativity that surrounds the concept of beauty for Black women worldwide and some of the things the ladies said made sense. They opined that in the old days back in Africa, our foremothers felt glorious about themselves and likewise the men folk worshipped our bodies. But somewhere along the line, something slipped in and changed the way we began to perceive ourselves.

We traced this back to slavery days especially when ‘strangely colored children’ started running around the plantations- obvious results of the Slave masters paying unwanted nightly visits to the female slave quarters.
It only then made sense that been forced to constantly see the fruits of their husband’s infidelities, the wives of these Slave Masters had to find ways to discourage the husbands from visiting these women who they felt were stealing their husbands from them. Ignoring the fact that these slave women were being raped by these same Slave Master husbands, they chose to punish these unfortunate slave women by launching several campaigns to distort the way society (and eventually the slave women themselves) viewed them- ugly, devious, ‘Jezebels’, dirty and worthless whores.

It is also interesting how till today, compared to any other race, women of Africa descent still have that worldview about themselves. There is a conditioning going on of the mind of the Black girl/child from the time she is born. For instance, the day that skinny, long-legged, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Barbie doll is placed into her arms, her idea of beauty is instantly distorted. From that time onward to the black girl, the epitome of what a woman should look like is that smiling toy. Hence the need to change our hair texture, bleach our skin, straighten our noses, going on stupid diets or have that coveted skinny body ideal so that we can feel like we belong in the human race. It may all sound ridiculous, especially to someone who is not Black but I know you know exactly what I mean.

Call me a conspiracy theorist and all but at the end of the day, I believe the Devil is the snake behind all this. I have no idea why he hates Black people so much (especially women) but throughout history, he has used women of other races to fight against them especially through mental warfare. In their ignorance, they have also yielded themselves to be his tools. However, I am a firm believer of the prayer Jesus said on the cross,

“Forgive them, Father. For they know not what they do”.

As a Believer/ Christian, I also believe that the real culprit behind the scenes is the Devil. Yes, humans get to choose to hate or love but he is the entity inspiring people to go with the ‘hate’ option. As Nelson Mandela said, hate is something that is learned. Human beings are born loving creatures; it is not a natural state of people to just look at someone and just hate them- something else is instigating that emotion. Therefore, as Christians, we might need to attack it from that angle- the perspective of the spiritual.

Like I said earlier, we can't do anything about the past but we can do something about the present and the future. I, for one, have decided to stop playing the blame/hate game. I have taken it upon myself to make necessary changes to myself because the truth of the matter is you can't give what you don't have. I can't give my 2 daughters a sense of worth if I don't posses one, right?!


So for instance, I have taken it upon myself to begin to love myself. I have chosen to believe that God did not make a mistake making me Black because there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being Black! I have decided to love my hair, boobs, sumptuous arms, curves, thighs, butt and my skin. I have taken to organizing photo sessions of myself every Sunday after church to just marvel at God's handiwork afterwards! As far as I am concerned, God was showing off when He made me!

       

And that's one of the reasons I decided to write this. Not only shed some light on historical lessons but to also let women of color know that we can choose to learn from the past and ensure that we and the girl/women coming behind us no longer fall victim of these recurrent self-loathing issues any longer. We can choose to open our mouths and speak words of affirmation to our daughters, mothers, nieces, sisters and friends.
We must kill anything/thought/idea/propaganda/remark that suggests that we are substandard to any other person because of how God made us. If God is for me/you, who can be against us?! We need to get to that place of peaceful understanding that God loves us individually. For instance, get in the habit of saying the following words every morning you wake up:

“God loves me!
God is for me!
I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus
He will never leave me nor forsake me!”

Keep saying it till you start to believe it because faith comes by hearing the spoken out loud words from your mouth that originate from the Word of God (my paraphrase of Rom 10:17)
So, sisters, let's not let Sara and all those other women of color die in vain. We should honor the Lord and their memories by ensuring that that pattern of self-loathing will not continue with us. It stops here! We now know who the real enemy is and we refuse to let him have his way with us or our children and future generations any longer.

No more dropping it like its “Hott”!!!





More about Sara Baartman:
http://www.sahistory.org.za/people/sara-saartjie-baartman
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/14/books/review/Elkins.t.html?_r=1&
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-7bKi5MFWI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gj4x-6UMg9M
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Baartman






Monday 11 August 2014

Where my single ladies at?!!!

I do apologize for cutting out my sisters from the other side of the margin in my last post- seriously, it was not deliberate. I guess I just got carried away, as usual, with my ranting again. So, this one right here is my attempt to make it up to you. Do I detect small smiles of forgiveness?

I cannot begin to imagine the kind of pressures you are under. I was single once and I know how it must feel. The constant wondering, whenever you meet someone new, whether he is ‘the one’ or not. Where do all these pressures come from, anyway? Society? Other married friends? Movies? Our sexual drives? Perhaps, it sometimes begins with our mothers telling us, from the time we understand, that apart from getting good grades in school, the very next thing to make us fulfilled human beings is to be happily married.

From the first time I got my first period, my mom instructed me to start praying about that man I was one day going to marry. I was only too glad to since I already knew the kind of guy I had in mind-or at least, I thought I did. “Lord, make him a tall, black version of an M&B guy, Amen!” But as time went on, I began to have a clearer picture of the other attributes that will make him fit for a princess like me.

In retrospect, I will take this time to say a colossal “THANK YOU” to God for not making me a part of the ‘in-crowd’ in Secondary school! Back then, it hurt not be asked to dance at the ‘out-of-school-uniform-founders-day’ dance back then. I used to lie to myself that even if it meant turning them down, it would have been nice to be asked. Now, I know I would have jumped right into the thick of the party and had me a glorious time! And probably gotten lost in the whole mix of things.

You see, back then I had a very low image of myself and saw myself as very 'unfine'. So, if God had allowed any one of the cool boys pay me any attention, I would have been only too grateful and allowed the guys all sorts of excesses! Perhaps, my mother sensed this and so insisted that my sister and I sport low cut throughout secondary school! God also made sure we had no access to baffs so that all thoughts of being invited to the cool parties and attend cool events in school were totally scrapped! Now, I can look back and say that I’m glad that so many things were withheld from me because it forced my sister and I to look for other ways to have wholesome fun and immense ourselves in books, movies, music and as such, have little or no time for guys! We were too busy planning one church event or the other or arranging one dance routine or trying to put together one fund raising get-together. So, in our own church setting, we still had plenty of fun activities.

My first boyfriend was in JSS 3 and he was quite a sweetheart.  He wasn’t much of an M&B guy but he was just right for then. The most we did was walk around with my arms around his shoulders and his arm around my waist and gist about books and movies. Sounds really cute and harmless right now but back then, my heart would beat so fast I was sure I was going to pass out from the feel of his hands there. It felt like fire, I tell you. Delicious fire! Unfortunately, the relationship didn’t last long because I guess we weren’t mature enough to know what next to do.

The second ‘boyfriend’ (if you will call him that) was when I was in SS1. A friend set us up and I did most of the talking while he watched and listened to me gush about Michael Jackson. I do believe all the ladies out there that knew me back then will roll their eyes and smile because my sister and I were die-hard MJ fans! I mean, he was all we wanted to talk about and when I found someone willing to listen, I was in the 7th  heavens. Maybe he was so taken by my passion for MJ or something because I honestly did not believe that anyone would find me attractive with my low cut and funny clothes.

Anyway, the second time we saw, he told me he was off to Uni and I was broken by the news. So broken that right there on the mainroad, I grabbed him and gave him a 10 seconds kiss- yep, with cars driving by and all that! My sister was livid but I was too stunned for hours afterwards to remember all the angry things she was saying. That relationship didn’t last long either because I later found out that he was going with some Cameroonian princess. To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. Didn’t our kiss mean anything to him? I guess not!

 By the time I was in SS2 and somewhat healed, I announced to my friends that I was going to fast and pray for a boyfriend. They laughed and teased that there was no way God was going to answer such a silly prayer but I was done moping around for the old one. Months later, God did. He was a tall, light skinned, Will Smith look-alike and the yummiest thing I’d seen in a long time. The first time we met, we spent hours talking and before long, I was in love.

We soon started a long-distance relationship (he was based in Enugu while I was based in Ibadan) that was kept alive by our 30 page, foolscap sheet letters, front and back! My friends were soon bored with our letters because it was filled with was recounts of our day-to-day activities and scriptures! Yes o- this guy was a serious Holy Ghost brother! God knows that Jesus wasn’t the first thing I wanted to talk about with him! Mehn, all I wanted to tell him was what his eyes did to my soul and how his hands burned my skin (the few seconds his hands brushed my arm) and how his spoken words stirred up something so deep (which I had thought was dead) and how my insides turned to mush every time he called. You can be sure I told him all that since I was never one to hide the way I felt.

But I guess he was a wee bit too shy to come out and since Jesus was all he wanted to talk about, I was on board because I would have followed him to the ends of the earth if he only asked. I was also excited about this guy because he made the scriptures so cool and come alive. I was challenged by his depth of understanding of scripture so much so that I started to read the Bible so that I will have something cool and equally intelligent to say back in my replies. Maybe over the course of time, I started to impress him because, he started opening up and coming out to express feelings of love as well. So, the letters were doubly fun; filled with words of love and devotion and inspiring Words of scripture. He was the perfect boyfriend and I couldn’t have been more grateful to God.

Soon enough, our romance came to the knowledge of my ever watchful mother. She began to ask me some questions about him and when I told her that he was from a polygamous home, she just closed up and told me to end it! Was she serious?! There was no way on earth I was going to break things up with this divine human being! Anyway, we started looking for other ways to keep our love a secret but it soon became apparent to anyone who knew us that we were inseparable.

When the pressure became too much, I decided one Saturday morning, to go to the vacant room in the bq to do my quiet time and ask God “how far?”. So, from the deep crevices of my soul, I poured out my heart to God. I reminded Him about how I had asked for a boyfriend and how I believed He gave me this guy. I told Him about how this guy had helped me to be a lot more serious about Jesus and gospel runs and how much I loved him.  I told Him about all the grief my mum was giving me about this relationship and how I was so sure that this guy was the one I was to spend the rest of my life with. However, I told Him that just in case my mum was right, I didn’t want anything that was not His will and I was more than ready to go along with anything He told me (even though I was more than sure He was the guy for me).

I had my pen, paper and wrist watch ready and waiting for a response because honestly, I was sick and tired of all the secrecy and lying and I wanted to know for sure if Enugu guy was ‘the one’  or not! Now, to those who believe that God doesn’t talk or interfere with matters of the heart, I am here to debunk that notion! I mean, there I was, a desperate girl of 18 seated and actually expecting the Creator of the entire cosmos to tell me if my secret boyfriend was the young man I was to marry. Perhaps He saw my sincerity and had mercy on me because out of nowhere, I heard a voice.  And before you roll your eyes o, chill! It wasn't an audible but a voice in your heart that you know beyond a shadow of doubt is not your thought. I'm sure Believers reading this can relate. 

He told me that Enugu guy was NOT the one. Whaaaaat?!!! You can only imagine how broken I was. I was writing the words as they came with tears pouring down my face. He told me some other things that I just kept scribbling but it was the fact that God wasn’t in the mix with this guy and myself that tore me up. I just wanted to fall down and die. Then, I began to wonder why He had brought this guy my way if he wasn’t going to be the one I was to end up with.

God didn’t answer that unspoken question then but over time, He helped me to realize that some people are positioned in strategic places in our lives to help us. They are like road signs to point us in the direction of God. I believe Enugu guy was placed in my life to help me get serious with God because you see, that year I met him was the year I was told to repeat SS2. It meant me falling back to join my younger sister’s class and I should have been completely broken up about it. But, you see, God got me praying earlier about a good relationship… of course He knew I was going to need all the comfort and reaffirmation I could get when the report card came. So when this guy arrived on the scene, God made sure he was one filled with the Holy Ghost, filled with cheering words of life from scripture to encourage me to be better than I ever thought possible. The result therefore was that by the time I was leaving secondary school, the girl who used to come practically last in class and so unsure of herself with a damaged self esteem became the school’s handball captain, was on the commendation list, a member of the school choir, friend to some of the teachers and top of her class in major subjects. I even graduated with 5 As in my SSCE, first place prize in Christian Religious Knowledge and admission to study Law in University of Ibadan! Things I would never had thought possible before!

 Fast-forward to the day I got my Law school posting. The minute I got it, and I saw I was posted to the Enugu Campus and I stood there and broke out laughing like a mad woman. Like, "what do You have up your sleeves, Father-God?" I asked God, “Why did you send me to Enugu? Cos You know I am so going to look for Enugu guy!” I can just see God smiling because He knew that was exactly what I was going to do! I landed the Enugu campus on Friday evening and by Sunday morning, I was out of campus and in a town I had never been before, looking for my long lost friend.

What I found was a totally different person from the one I knew as a teenager. They say change is the only thing that is constant but I was so not prepared for this 360˚ kind of turnaround! He had just lost his older brother to cancer and was quite torn-up and I could completely understood that. The part I didn’t understand was the great bitterness he felt towards God. He somehow felt that God had cheated him out of a bright future because having just graduated from Uni, he was looking forward to going off to join his now-dead-brother in South Africa and so all he could see was shattered dreams.

Oh, I felt that this was my turn to bless and encourage him with words from scripture like he had done for me during my difficult time in Secondary school. I was prepared to love-up on him and comfort him in his time of need. What I wasn’t prepared for was the way he was  repugnant to anything God or Jesus. Bringing up those two names always turned him brusque and sometimes down-right mean! He wanted nothing to do with God! Not only that, He was no longer as kind and as considerate. He was rude, selfish and really not a nice human being. Maybe it was due to the loss of his brother but after subsequent visits to check up on him, the words of God that Saturday morning flashed in my mind. I now clearly understood why God had unequivocally said that this guy wasn’t the one. It had hurt back then but now, I was more than grateful He had spared me the horror of what had become of this person!

Rewind back to gaining admission into Uni! Ah, the excitement of the freedom and chance to meet different guys from all kinds of backgrounds. At this point my mother had some extra rules. She insisted that we should each make a written out, detailed list of the kind of guy we wanted to marry and every birthday anniversary, we should present this list to God. She also had a list of her own and she expressly stated that on no account must we bring home a guy who:

1)      Was from a broken or polygamous home
2)      Was from a Muslim-converted-to-Christianity home
3)      Was of the AS blood group

May sound intense and maybe offensive to most folks out there but that was my mother for you. She was quite serious about her specifications and when she caught whiff of a man sniffing around her girls, these 3 questions where the very first she was going to ask. Naturally, it went without saying that the guy must be from a family where the parents were born-again, committed Christians. Left to her, she would rather the guy from a background where to the 4th generation, all parents were born-again!

Then, it was a bit harsh since all the guys I was meeting and falling in desperate love with were from broken or polygamous homes. The ones from ‘normal’ families always had one issue or the other. I soon came to the conclusion that maybe my mom’s rules won’t apply to me. But the thing I did obey her was ‘the list’. Over the course of time, I sat down and wrote over a 100 qualities of the guy I wanted. Thankfully, I had progressed from him just being ‘tall, black and M&B-ish’, I was getting pretty specific about things like kindness, years older than me, smells good, born again and Spirit-filled, a good kisser, generous, heavy dose of pop-culture e.t.c.

Every guy I met from then on, was always weighed in line with the dictates of my mom’s specifications and the 100+ qualities and if he fell short, his behind got kicked to the curb. If I liked him enough, I hung around and played with him and when I got tired, his ass was gone. Of course, along the line I strayed from ‘the path’ but with a very vocal and unrelenting mother screaming in our heads, such straying was quite short lived.

Mehn, I met all sorts! From the sweethearts to the down-right scary ones! For instance, I met one who after some discussions, I perceived had the spirit of divination because there were some things he knew that no human could have told him. One day he shook my shoulders, commanded me to look at him and declared that he was the perfect law of liberty (as talked about in James 1) just like Jesus was the Word of God become flesh. And right after such a proclamation, he whipped out a condom and advised that we merged our bodies together and become one in soul and spirit! Didn’t need the services of a Hebrew prophet, right after that, to advise me to take to my heels! It was quite a shame though because he looked just like an M&B man (you know, tall, broad shoulders and a hint of arrogance e.t.c.) but I guess was quite crazy in the head! Lol!

And there were some that were just perfect! But whenever I brought them before God, I either got a big fat ‘no’ or time just showed that they were playing tricks with my mind. I never delved in the realm of married men, though! I just knew that all the games I had been playing with the single ones can’t be going down too well with God and there was no way He was going to back me up if I had any yawa with these other kinds. I ran into 3 of them though but no matter how charming they were, if they came too close like wanting to get physical, I was always quick to take to run like the wind. At the back of my mind, I knew that there was no way I would be happy if I knew that there was a young girl out there playing around with my husband and what I can’t take I would most certainly not offer it to another woman like me!

Sisters, I could go on and regale you with tales of my escapades and all the atrocities I did as a single, adventurous and insatiable girl but I still want to have friends after this write-up. Besides, how will such gory anecdotes edify you, right? So, here’s the 411-

                                                          KEEP YOURSELF PURE!!!

Funny that such a statement should be coming from me, right?! But when all is said and done, keeping along the dictates of the express dictates of what God says is truly the best way to live. I will be the first to admit that sometimes, that could be just boring and dull, but that again depends on how you look at it.

First off, sleeping around has so many down sides with little or no advantages. I won’t deceive you and say I understand the mysteries behind sex in the way the Apostle Paul discusses it in 1 Cor. 5 & 7 but I can assure you that the sense of guilt and worthlessness afterwards is not an indication of the presence of a delirious-with-joy Holy Ghost.

The truth is that sex is an indescribably beautiful experience created by God for a man and woman within the safe confines of marriage. However, Hollywood has twisted it around and spun lies about it being alright “as long as you do it with someone you are in love with.” The down-side to believing that lie is that it becomes addictive; just like any intravenous drug. (especially if you fall into the hands of guys who sabi the thing.) Just like any drug, it leaves a bitter after-taste and a terrible down-feeling, especially for the Christian- the feeling you get after wards is guilt. So to deaden that overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, you find yourself doing it over and over again till you become calloused and insensitive to the warnings of the Holy Spirit regarding that area. So, rather than bless you, sex outside marriage depletes you, whether you want to accept it or not!

For us chicks, when we keep ourselves pure, we don’t have to worry that the stupid guy has gotten us preggers if our periods come terribly late. We don’t have to worry that the guy is talking trash about you to his friends (because let me tell you- even if the worst thing you let him do to you was allowing him to suck on your boobs or finger you, you can be sure that he’s telling his friends all about how he has not only screwed you silly but how you can’t get enough of giving him a head… he will, however, leave out the part about the huge pity you feel for him every time he whips out his tiny digglehopper!!! *hiss*). You don’t have to worry about catching any strange diseases. I personally believe that God asks women to keep themselves pure because at the end of the day He’s trying to protect us.  


This is not to say that the only thing about relationships is sex and all other related activities.
 There is so much more! You can take this time to forge deep, pure friendships. You can be sure that no matter how attracted you are to a guy, if you somehow manage to keep your legs closed and still drive him crazy with your beauty, charm, wit, intelligence, sense of style you will forever have his respect. We all know that rap about being good girls and all that but there is a whole lot of good and truth in it. Just like Eve, we shouldn’t march around thinking that God is withholding ‘the good stuff’ and then get out on our own and try to find it for ourselves. I can boldly say that there is no woman out there who can say with all sincerity that she was glad she slept around! Deeeeep down in every woman is the desire to belong to only one man and be possessed, loved, adored and cherished by this same one man. A man who will give her everything she needs to nourish her spirit, soul and body.

The sad truth, however, is that no one human being can meet all those needs. We have these needs met by different types of men along our lives. This, on the other hand, does not give us the license to give our bodies to every single man that meets these different needs. Let me explain what I mean.
For instance, your boyfriend/fiancĂ© can’t love you enough to die for your sins and even if he can, he’s not even qualified to. Hence, the position of Jesus to take care of that pesky sin business. All He asks in return is for us to give our lives to Him so that He can fix it and give us something much better- life to its fullest in this life and hereafter.

Next is that issue of no woman being an island. You need to be part of a society in order to be productive and relevant to it. Society begins with the family that should consist of a father, mother and children. Here again, we know that no matter how much you love your father, brother, Uncles or cousins, you can’t have sex with them! *gag*. They are there to meet that need for protection, provision and a sense belonging.

Going wide in the societal circle are our drivers, the security guard/policemen, teachers, classmates, friends, principal, pastors, persons in places of influence or authority e.t.c. Just because we admire them or feel somewhat indebted to them does not mean we should allow them to ‘play’ with us. You see what I mean?

In that same vein, God has placed certain male figures of Himself to do some work in our lives and then move on. It is now our duty to recognize the purpose(s) for which every single male in our lives functions, learn the lesson we need to learn, thank God for that opportunity to learn and develop and then move on to maturity. I wish I had known this much earlier because it would have helped to give me focus, and not spread my affections and waste my time and energy on folks that were never designed to be permanent fixtures in my life or destiny.

Ladies, every single one of you bears so much of the anointing of God! So much so that a lot of the guys you are hanging around with have no business whatsoever playing around your bodies (and while we are it even your minds)! They don’t even have any business dusting your shoes. But some of us have allowed some agents of the enemy to speak some terrible things into our lives, toy with our minds and then go around spreading the gospel of death to our reputations and future happiness. Some of us have even permitted some demon-possessed souls to lay hands of anger on our bodies. Sisters, this should not be!

We are designed by God to bring balance, virtue, purity, finesse, beauty, growth and life to anything or person we come in contact with. We are designed by God to be loved, admired, adored, worshipped and cherishedn! You are not here to mother any man or do for him what his mother should. You are there to make his life calmer, peaceful, productive and more beautiful. He, in turn, should care, cherish, love, respect and adore you. If he doesn’t do any of the above, I hold you responsible because like they say, to get respect you have to earn it and obviously you have not earned his respect! If he hits you, I blame you because you have given him the permission to! You have not married him and he has started you on the way to pre-maturely ending God’s calling on your life. He has not sworn before God and your families to love and cherish you and you have already given him the right to destroy you mentally, psychologically and emotionally! Listen to me now and run for your life. This alone is an indication that God is not in the mix and that’s the truth.com right there!

How does God talk to you and tell you that Mr. So-and-So is or isn’t the one? Well, I’ll in return ask you how He talks to you about buying a particular pair of shoes! If you have never given God the time or day to dictate to you on little things like if you should eat vegetables or chocolate, then how would you know when He’s talking about life-altering issues like career decisions or life partner?! Just like trying to develop your butt muscles to look like Kim Kardashian’s, I challenge you to begin to develop hearing God. Always have a pen and paper with you so that when you hear that voice in your heart (not your head), write it down and watch and see whether what ‘the voice’ said comes true or not! Another way is to check if the words are contrary to what the Bible says. If they do go contrary, you probably need an exorcist or something! Lol!

Some folks talk about having a sense of peace or calm about something they pray about. And that is quite in line with the scripture because the Bible says in 2 Tim. 1:7 that God has not given a spirit of fear but He has given unto us a Spirit of Power, of love and a sound mind. So, if you find yourself praying regarding a guy and no matter how you say the prayer, you have no sound mind, RUN! Don’t try to negotiate, rationalize or couples-therapy it away. God is telling you to flee and you best just obey!

To the ladies who already have life partners and waiting for the big day, I will only repeat what you already know to do- No sampling of the goods! You need to make up your mind to keep yourself pure. If not, you are an accident waiting to happen! This is the time to invest in each other in other areas. Spend time getting to know this guy and develop friendship.

Haven’t you seen some couples where the woman is terrified of the man? Watching them, it is almost impossible to think that there was a time this same terror of a man moved heaven and earth in order to marry her. So, if you don’t want that to happen to you and want the kind of relationship Cliff and Clare from the Cosby Show had, then you better ease up on the lip locking and spend time in discussions. Find out what he likes, how responds in anger, how many kids he wants, what are his plans with the next 5 years, what kind of food he likes, what church to attend, what language to speak to the kids, family traditions you would both like to cultivate in your new one e.t.c. Mehn, there are so many things to talk about and discover about each other. All of this is important so that when you get married, there are hardly any surprises. There is nothing I detest more than when I ask a lady about to marry a simple question concerning her groom-to-be and she says, “I don’t know!” How retarded is that?!

This is, however, not the time to be doing his laundry or cooking his meals. He should be looking for ways to make you comfortable not looking for how to enslave you before he puts a ring on it!  Whatever you don’t like, tell him now and let him know before you guys get married. Don’t play silly games like ladies in the world who act all humble and soft-spoken in order to trap a guy and then transform to tigresses as soon as the priest declares them man and wife! You won’t like it if you find out that he was lying and pretending to be an angel only to find out that he was evil personified after you get married. So, if he’s your friend like you say, be plain, kind and do to him what you want him to do to you! No games- you are too royal to be caught doing what only commoners wallow in! Puhleese! If he doesn’t like what he sees, allow him to take a hike! Rather be unmarried and still happy then to be trapped in a loveless marriage that is nothing other than slow, painful death!
The most important thing is being friends because when all is said and done and you are experiencing the wilderness period that some of us are going through right now, there will still be that sweet companionship to carry you through.

I remember all those bitter fights my husby and I had while we were courting. A lot of folks back then were so sure we would never make it to the altar! But we were just being really honest with each other and there was no forming. I can’t count the number of times I threw my engagement ring back at him, screaming that I never wanted to see him again. Or the number of times he stormed off, terribly incensed by something I did or said. But somehow we managed to remain friends and work through it. These days we still do fight but it’s not as bitterly as we used to and the make-up sex afterwards is insane! Hmm…. Note to self, maybe I should pick a fight with him one of these days….

So, let’s all wake up our inner divas, whether we be married or unmarried, and expect nothing less than the best! So, what that you aren’t married yet?! God has not forgotten about you and His plans for you are good - to give you a future so bright, we will need shades just to see it! So, what that you’ve made mistakes along the course of your courtship?! Truthfully, who hasn’t?! Ask God to forgive you and move on! Ignore all the knowing looks from all the so-called people who knew what went down. That’s their headache- you are too anointed and you carry too much power on your insides to let some agents of the enemy hold you back from having a glorious married life. Re-invent yourself, resurrect that inner Holy Ghost diva that has tightly shut legs, colour your hair, pierce another ear-hole, buy new shoes, change your wardrobe, take dancing lessons, change your friends, soak your mind with the Word of God, spend time in the presence of God,  engage in retail therapy e.t.c. Any wholesome thing that makes you happy, do it and praise the Lord! He has come that we may enjoy life to its fullest!

And if it’s poisonous relationships and situations that drag you into playing around with pigs when you are a princess of the most high, then avoid them. I know it’s hard to stop when it starts but what’s more important- future happiness or temporary pleasure that leaves you feeling like filth! It’s so not worth it`! Whenever God says something is bad, we should just take His Word for it. There are other fun things to do with your time- look for them. And don’t forget to look for ways to serve the Lord as well, be you married or unmarried. Start filling God’s book of remembrance with your deeds and works of love. Not just because you love Him more than life itself but also because the dividends of serving Him are out of this world!

Gurls, let's talk!

I’m not sure why I am writing this but it has been on my mind a while to tell the ladies ahead of time what wasn’t told me about child delivery and to prepare you for what’s ahead if you are ever thinking of bring children to this world.

The first time I was told by a Lab. technician that I was indeed pregnant, I’m not that sure exactly what I felt. One thing was that I was so glad about was the fact that I was married so there was somebody who would be responsible for the thing growing inside my tummy. I couldn’t wait to tell my husband of 6 months. He wasn’t as excited as they portray in movies- maybe it was because he’s a doctor and so sees babies practically all the time. But I was certain he was privately eager at the thought of being a dad and the arrival of his son within the next few months! 

Anyway, there was no way I was going to let this new status change my life. So, I purposed in my mind to continue my life like there was nothing new or different. I refused to see any doctor or take any of those silly pills they make pregnant women take. That state of denial continued until the nausea hit! I cannot begin to describe this feeling of just wanting to die from feeling sick. To keep it at bay, I tried chewing gum but the smell just put me off. I tried bitter kola but it made my mouth so awful, water tasted bitter that I had no option but to stop. I tried sex but it meant having to kill my husband considering the fact that I had to be having it every other hour! ‘Matter of fact, he started coming home late so I’ll be fast asleep by the time he came back from work! Finally, I realized that if I ate as early as possible, it kept it away or just minimized it significantly.

Then I began to crave all kinds of strange things like amala and draw soup (something I will never eat on a good day!) and all sorts of assorted meat that I would never touch with a 10 foot pole (cow leg, cow tongue, goat meat, roundabout e.t.c.) I just couldn’t have enough of those things but afterwards, I’ll get so sick, it practically all ends up down the toilet bowl anyway.

Next thing I soon noticed was my stomach’s violent reaction to all my beloved smellies! I had to hide all my perfumes away because just the sight of them would make me retch. I almost died whenever my husband got ready for work cos all the smells that assailed me were like insane. From the smell of the soap to the cream to the roll on to the perfume- all things I used to enjoy before. I mean, till today, I can barely stand the smell of Apple Body Fantasy body spray! Now, all of this went on for the first 3 months (what doctors refer to as the first trimester). Imagine, living in such torture! Wait- three’s more!

So, by the second trimester, I finally caved and went with my husband to see the doctor who was a personal friend of his. He gave me prescription for some calcium, iron and some other silly things. But I only took the iron cos they said something about adequate blood for the babies. Truthfully, I hardly paid attention to anything they were saying. All I wanted to know was that I was fine and that my twins were fine! I was super excited the day we were finally going to do an ultrasound to see my twins! Everyone laughed when I told them I was carrying twins but I was not going to let them ruin my faith! I didn’t care whether there was no such occurrence in mine or my husband’s family tree. I was going to set a record. Besides, there was no way on earth I was going to do this whole shenanigan twice. So, I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt that the Lord was going to do His usual- surprise everyone!

At the end of the day, the Lord had sided with all my enemies and put only one baby inside my tummy o! Mehn, how I wept! I could not believe that God was going to subject me to this yeye situation again. Anyway, my husband comforted me as much as he could and left me to be comforted by my truest friends- movies! The poor darling was preparing for his qualifying exams and it is amazing how he was able to put up with my drama.

Once such dramatic occasion I vividly remember was the day he came home and the whole house was dark because NEPA had struck. Now since I was not allowed to carry anything heavy I had to wait for him to come home and switch on the gen. Anyway, he called out to me and received no answer.
He checked the bedroom, toilet, kitchen just calling my name but still no answer. He started getting a wee bit concerned when I didn’t answer because he saw the car downstairs so that meant I was home. With the panic slowly rising, he decided to check the balcony and I’m sure his heart skipped a beat from what he saw. I stood, totally oblivious to the world, the cold or the light from his torchlight and completely unashamed in my birthday suit! The funny part is the fact that I don’t remember how I got there or how every stitch of clothing fell off my body!

Finally, I resumed school for my Masters programme so there was now something to do with myself every day. Towards the middle of the course, I got to the final trimester and also finally agreed to start attending antenatal classes. I found it quite enlightening and sometimes fun except for all that walking up and down to do this test and pay for that result and that infernal having to queue to see the doctor. I think my doctor hated me or something cos for some reason best known to him, anytime I came for my usual check-up, the guy just refused to look at my face! It was like he couldn’t wait for my turn to be over. The funny thing is how everyone seemed to gush about what a wonderful doctor he was but according to my observation, he was a horrible bore. I didn’t want to make a fuss cos he was a good friend of my husband but I came to dread my appointments with him. Thankfully, he didn’t do the routine virginal check that most other doctors did and I was only too glad about that part.  Between me and you ladies, I honestly didn’t want anybody poking around there till this baby was ready to pop out! No thank you!

Around this time, as well, my husband was on full exam mode and so that meant him having to spend most of his time reading and plenty of time for me to concentrate on my academics. But for those of you who know me well, that translates to meaning no reading- just playing all the way until it’s time for exams! Lol! And that’s exactly what happened. The exams where fast approaching and I realized that I may well be delivering this child around that time. So, I approached the Sub-Dean with a letter asking for deferment of exams since I would be putting to bed around the exam period. The truth of the matter was that I was terrible scared of the exams and used every available excuse (including my unborn child) to delay the evil day!

The results for my husband’s exams came out and he had passed and was a qualified Anesthetist and was on his way to Lagos to look for a job there as a consultant since we had no intension to remain in UCH. Anyway, he soon gets a job and relocates there but because I was still in school in UI, I moved back in with my mum and the rest of my sibs. I have mentioned in the past about all the drama that ensued with my moving back in with my mum and us having bloody fights due to my hormone induced rage.

Here’s another reason why I believe my doctor hated me. During the time I was contemplating deferring my 1st semester exams, the plan was to induce delivery so that I can have the baby sooner than my Expected Delivery Date (EDD) so that I can at least write the exams. Because waiting for the EDD may mean going into labour during exams. There was no way I was going to I disgrace myself in front of all my course mates (including the lecturer I had a major crush on!)

 So as I was saying, I asked my doctor in UCH if he could induce labour for me so I could write my exams. Now, maybe I must have explained wrong or something cos he almost jumped out of his chair while giving me a serious earful about how he will never be part of such foolishness and how he doesn’t indulge in such sharp practice! *hisss* Listening to him tear me another butt hole, one would think I asked him to stitch a stuffed animal filled with crack to my ‘vijayjay’ or something! When I reported the scenario to my husband, he just calmly assured me that my new doctor in Lagos would be a whole lot nicer. Which actually turned out to be true cos he was such a sweetheart and very helpful and ready to answer all my questions.

Fast forward to the delivery day. I was admitted the night before so that first thing the next morning, they will start the party. At this point I want to quickly emphasize that I had stopped attending antenatal classes cos they were conflicting with my classes so that all the things to expect during delivery, I was generally clueless. I was just super excited about meeting my baby girl. Yep! You can be sure I had checked for the sex around 7/8 months! I’m certainly am not one of those divine creatures that want to be ‘surprised’ at the delivery table! I don’t have time for such cos I don’t want to buy pink stuff and the baby turns out to be a boy and then has to go through life with a case of gender identity issues because of baby pictures of himself in pink clothes! No, thank you!

Anyway, I had already typed a draft of the text messages I was going to send to everyone I knew about the arrival of my lil Miss World. I put on some light make up and held my hair in a theatre cap (cos you know there was no way I was going to look scruffy simply cos I was having a baby) and super excited as they wheeled me to the theatre. The idea was to give me an epidural so that I will feel as little pain as possible and you can be sure that I was 100% down with that. But that didn’t kinda work out so, they gave me a spinal instead and then wheeled me back to the labour ward.
The first indication that this wasn’t a party was when the young intern tried to set an I.V line and almost pulled out my skin in the process! It was all I could do from giving her a reciprocal huge bite on her silly arm! That kinda ruined my serene bubble a bit but I had my fully charged ipod filled with songs so, I just plopped the earphones back in my ear and allowed the music to reset me. You see, I HATE needles and I would do anything to avoid them. So that having her almost mutilate my hand was more than a little upsetting. But that was only the beginning!

So, they started the line and then slowly added the drug to induce the delivery. The next thing I noticed was that I began to have those period pain cramps. When I told my husband, who was with me every step of the way, he explained that it was only part of the delivery. So, I smiled to myself- surely this cannot be what women scream and all most die about- this simple period pain cramp. Silly women! I have had worse period pains!

So, there I am all smug and singing along with the guys on my ipod. The doctor came to check on me every now and then to assure me that all was well. But I guess he was just being nice because since it was my first delivery, it was going to be a really looooong time before my cervices was fully dilated enough to push any baby out. So most of the time, he was hardly there.

Slowly, the pain started to increase, but I merely smiled back almost like telling the uterus, “Is this the best you can do?!” The nurses were peeping in one at a time to see the young lady all smiles and listening to her music. A lady doctor popped in and asks in wonder if I was scheduled for labour and when I nodded, she looks closely at me again and smiles. She says, ‘No, you are not in labour. If you were nobody will tell me’. And then she waves goodbye and walks away. I remember thinking to myself- “Well, this girl here is a whole lot different cos I AM in labour but I am handling myself with grace and dignity! Silly half-caste know-nothing-at-all doctor”.

I’m not sure what time it is cos as the pain intensified, it slowly began to dawn on me that perhaps, this particular type of pain is nothing like the normal period pain. Soon enough, I am audibly moaning at intervals because, it’s beginning to get really bad! Along the line, I ask my husband to hold my ipod cos the guys in there are no longer soothing anything! And the contractions are coming really fast now. It felt like white hot pain slashing my lower tummy into two. Now I understood exactly what the female doctor earlier had I was no longer all smiles and singing any Holy Ghost hymn. Yep- for sure I was now in labour and it was HELLLLLL!

During the course of this unnecessary drama, I remember thinking how come no one had warned me about this?! It was rather easy to blame it on folks for not telling me about the pain as I had completely forgotten that I had stooped going to antenatal classes and so had missed out on all the lectures they may have given about the kind of pain to expect. At that point, it felt like God was punishing me for all my sins! I also wondered why God had to make it this painful- to what purpose is this pain? Does it redeem us or does it make us acceptable to Him? Why this unbelievable pain?!!!
In spite of the satanic pain, I tried to hold it together and not go as gaga as I would have liked to because I was fully aware that this was my husband’s working place and I didn’t want to embarrass him with my one-man production of Chioma’s version of delivery. Besides, a friend had earlier mentioned that all that screaming and shouting doesn’t help a bit. She advised to just hold it all in. She, however, left out the part of hellish pain. But hold it or not, I was audibly calling onto Jesus to help me cos I just wanted to die! At a point, my husband kept urging me not to push even though I felt like it cos I could incur some serious tears but mehn, that was the only way to ease the pain! So, he would yell, “Chioma, don’t push yet! It’s not time for that yet!” and I would just vigorously nod but silently push to ease the pain.

Finally, when I could take the volcanic fire in my tummy no longer, I asked the nurses to check to see if I was fully dilated because it felt like I could feel the baby’s head. But without even checking, they assured me that since it was a first time birth I still had a long way to go. I overheard one of them whisper to her friend that I had 4 more hours to go. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! No way on earth I was going through this any longer. After what seemed like an eternity, I begged the nurse to just to humour me and check. And with a very amused, long-suffering smile, she checked my butt area, under my bed coverings and almost screamed. ‘She’s crowning!’ God knows that I would have given her a hot slap if she was standing closer to my upper body area. Stupid people!

Then things went crazy after that. They were no longer all hanging around like they were watching a show. Unfortunately, because the doctor in charge was away for lunch, I was at the mercy of a panicked nurse. I saw here grabbing a brand new blade and felt the cutting sensation which felt like a gentle forehead kiss compared to the alien thing tearing through my core right about now!

So, my husband grabs my hand and calmly asks me to push. To my mind, what the hell does that mean?! Push? How? He then smiles and gently explains that it means like wanting to do poo- poo! Ah, why didn’t you say so initially! So, they ask me to sit up, hold my ankles and push. But this was the part I was ready for. I had promised myself that there was no way I was going to have a retarded baby due to my inability to push as hard as I should. So, I was like an athlete poised and ready for takeoff at the sound of the gun.

As soon as they said, ‘Ready? Oya push!’ with a loud scream that sounded to my ears like something from the pit of hell, I pushed out that creature with one single push! Yep, and tore up my insides like crazy! I didn’t care. All I wanted to be sure was that the baby was breathing well and was crying like she should. My husband was all over me with joy and tried to kiss me and all that silliness but I just pushed him away and ordered him to go make sure they don’t turn my baby into a retard behind my back! I mean, after all that work, there was no way I was going to allow some nurses pour sand in my garri! When I heard her crying and overheard them saying she was fine, I called my husband over to come and collect the placenta o! Yes now, we hear of all the nasty things they do with children’s placenta and there was no way I was going to allow them play around with my child’s own!  Yes o, I was in a lot of pain but I was very alert, too! Lol!

By now the doctor had arrived and had this look of shock! Almost like ‘Seriously?! Gurl, you mean you did this behind my back?!’ But in my mind, I was just trying to brace myself for the sewing up of the episiotomy cut the nurse had earlier given me. I had no idea the extent of the tears I had inflicted myself while trying to deliver my genius! So, after much fuss and my constant asking the doctor what was taking him so long, they put me to sleep and sewed me right back up! And in 3 days time, I was on my way home! No, issues!

It was the second pregnancy that was a whole lot more dramatic! First off, the nausea period was murder! I mean, sometimes, I would lie in bed for the 24 hours cos I was too sick to get up! Unfortunately, this time around I was back home with my mum cos my husband had got a job in Saudi Arabia and I had no option but to move back home.Thankfully, this time I had learnt the ‘yes mother. Anything you say, mother’ behavior so we didn’t have issues. In fact we were now very good friends. But my mom detests weakness in any form! It’s like she gets an itch walking through the house and sees folk lying down in bed when it’s not bedtime! I mean, when we were still in primary school, except you were vomiting your intestines, you will still go to school with her words ringing in your head, ‘You can’t afford to be sick!’

So imagine her passing by and seeing me lying down all day with the excuse that I am feeling sick! I think she just managed to control herself from throwing a major fit cos she musta seen how really weak I was. This time around, running to the toilet meant peeing, pooing and vomiting all at the same time! Everyone told me that this was certainly a boy due to all the grief it was putting me through.
The next strangeness I noticed was my frequent bouts of insanity!

On one occasion, a very dear family male friend happened to be around while I was whining about all the misery this pregnancy was causing me. He then, off-handedly said that by now I should be used to it since it’s not my first time and that I shouldn’t be so dramatic! As I listened to the words coming out of his mouth, it was like somebody switched out all the lights in my head and turned on a red-hot one! I turned to him, opened my mouth and just let loose. God knows that I cannot remember anything I said to him that day! What I do remember was his shocked expression and swift exit. My sister smiled and rubbed my hands and gently told me that I was rough on him but I guess she understood. It would be important to note at this point that she was also heavily pregnant with her first child but was quite calm about the whole thing. She gets her strength in crisis quality from my mum…

On many occasions, I would just have this rush of blood to my head whenever somebody did or said something repugnant to me and I would REALLY over-react. I would scream at my husband over the phone for leaving me. I would be extra bitchy to friends. I would be really mean to my daughter and just a major ogre to be around. I just hated myself!

Anyway, the nausea period passed and I moved on to the second trimester and as usual, no doctors, no drugs and no antenatal since I didn’t think I needed anymore lectures as to how to deliver a baby.  Thankfully, we had these 2 wonderful women to take care of us- one was my 1 ½ yr old daughter’s nanny and the other was my mother’s elderly house keeper. So, they were there to take care of my spirited toddler and make sure we were equally comfortable. God bless them both.

So, as we eagerly awaited the delivery of my sister’s son, the period also gave me something else to focus on. For instance, we would go shopping for baby things, function as her chauffeur and drive her to the hospital for her appointments, drive her to work (cos she was adamant about going to work until the last minute) Soon enough, the delivery day came. Since I was a little under the weather, I had my brother do all the running around and all. Along the line, mum called and mentioned that the delivery was no longer progressing and that they had to cut her open. Thankfully, it was a successful operation and in about a week plus, she was back home in time for her son’s naming ceremony looking no worse for the wear.

Observing the way she looked and responded after having CS gave me a brand new idea- instead of going through that horrible ordeal called labour, I could just have a CS and cut through all that pain crap. Easy peassy! So, with that new plan running through my head, I looked forward to the pain-free arrival of my son and began eating like there was no tomorrow!

Finally, my daughter and I joined my husband 4-5 months later in Saudi Arabia and it should have been a nice experience. But it wasn’t cos now, there was no nanny to entertain my almost 2 year old child who now decided that she couldn’t breathe without me holding her at ALL times. No beloved sister to gist with for hours. Unfortunately, we arrived in the middle of their winter period and I was in hell. Plus, I soon developed all sorts of pains around my hip area, back and even limbs.

Anyway, with no place to escape to, my husband monitored me very closely and made sure I took the prescribed drugs as often as possible. We discussed extensively the concept of having the baby through CS. He wasn’t super-excited about it but since it also meant using that opportunity to tie my tubes, I guess he agreed. We spoke to the doctor (who happened to be female this time around) and she was willing to do the surgery. At first, she wondered why I would purposely opt for CS without prior medical issues but after explaining that I also wanted my tubes tied immediately after the surgery, I guess she understood and was on board with the whole thing.

It was also around this time I feel into a very deep depression. Maybe it was the isolation from almost everything I knew- my family and friends. Or the loneliness I felt every time my husband left for work. Or the fear of living in such a strict Muslim, women-hating country. Or the constant wallowing in self-pity and listening to lies spun by Whispering Spirits. I don’t know cos before I knew it, I would be cutting stuff in the kitchen and just wander off in my mind and begin to fantasize about how fast I will bleed to death if I slit my wrist. Some days, I would work the whole suicide plan in my head, as in how I was going to put my daughter to sleep, lock the door and then slit my wrist. Sometimes, I would sit for hours, thinking about my life and just begin to weep uncontrollably. I knew that if I killed myself I would go to hell, but I would argue with myself back and forth about how God will understand how sad I was and would grant me access into heaven.

Then I would then think about my unborn child and how he would not survive and how I would have also killed him and how for that alone, I might be sent to hell. Then I thought about who will look after my little girl and the trauma she may have for the rest of her life walking in on a dead mother with blood all over the floor.

Somehow, God pulled me out of that insane state of mind. Looking back now, it is not surprising that I became this depressed because right about this time, I had stopped reading my Bible or even praying. Things started getting better when I found out that I was having another girl! I was so excited because that’s what I always wanted- 2 girls! My husband wasn’t that excited but when he noticed how happier I became, he kinda got used to it. He often says that his grouse is with God and not me. That he had prayed and specifically asked for a son and if God thought it best to give us 2 girls, then He knows what He’s doing. Ha! I know he would really love to have a son. Incidentally, he often has dreams that he refers to as ‘nightmares’ where each time I had another baby, it was always another girl! Lol!

Fast forward to the scheduled delivery day. We all arrived at the hospital. I’m not as excited as the first time but as I wait to be wheeled into the theatre, I am wishing I could press a fast-forward button and get to the end with the baby in my arms and all of us on our way home. They shave me down there and put a catheter in my vijayjay (an uncomfortable sensation but you soon get used to it) and wheel me to the theatre. This time, I make my husband record the whole thing on video since I won’t be awake most of the time.

The next thing I remember is opening my eyes to seeing lots of people standing around and I was a bit scared. But the main thing I was acutely aware of was THE PAIN! It was like I had been in a samurai sword fight and got shredded to ribbons or something. I knew I was in a conservative Muslim country and all that but as I grew more alert, the pain intensified and I could help but call out to Jesus several times! I remember also raining abuses on my sister for misleading me to believe that there wasn’t going to be any pain involved. My mom called to congratulate me but I almost told her to take her greetings of joy and shove it down the toilet cos I was in so much pain!

Apparently, my decision to go through this medium and tie my tubes as well was a huge deal around here cos it was strange for them to see a healthy, young woman with 2 female children opting for such a drastic, permanent form of contraception. You should have seen the amount of forms they made me sign in my pain-crazed state. Sometimes, I think they purposely let me wake up to the pain to punish me! My mother-in-law was taken aback, too but when her son explained that we had already discussed this while we were courting that after the second child we were going to tie my tubes, I guess she just let it go.

Then I had to hang around until I had farted before they will let me eat anything. The nurses were all up on grill to get up from bed and walk around like the other Arabian women who show no pain. But I was this close to telling them to take their Arab Superwoman teachings and jump right into the middle of hell for all I cared. Turned out I had some kind of stomach ulcer and even had to be admitted a second time in the hospital.

So eventually, the pain I was running away from was spread out for a period of almost 1 month! Might as well have endured the natural delivery and gotten it over within a few hours. But thank God I didn’t cos my girl was so huge when she was brought out that the pediatrician asked if she was post-term! Also turns out I had no idea when I had taken in so she must have stayed a whole lot longer than initially thought cos she came out with a full head of hair and long nails (unlike her sister who came out looking like a pre-historic, hairless lizard! He he he!!!)

This wasn't written to scare anybody! So, what is the moral of the story?
1)      Well, the first thing is to prepare yourself for pain, either way (whether natural delivery/CS)
2)      Know for sure your menstrual cycle so that when the doctors ask you about your last menstrual          period you don’t act retarded like me and say, ‘I don’t know!’
3)      ATTEND YOUT PRE-NATAL CLASSES!
4)      Take all the supplements they prescribe for you and eat properly. The doctors (sometimes)                   know what they are talking about ;)
5)      Do all the necessary exercises prescribed. 
6)      Arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible so that you can ask the right questions and be           given answers that will benefit you.
7)      If you are uncomfortable with a doctor, be brave enough to change him/her no matter how                wonderful other people say they are.
8)      Rid yourself of all fears and anxieties. Fill your mind instead with the Word of God. Surround                yourself with promises of God and His loving atmosphere so that negative and poisonous ideas don’t start popping up in your mind.
9)      Discuss with your spouse/fiancĂ© the kind of contraceptive method that would be beneficial to               the both of you. Use the courtship period to discuss and settle with yourselves how many kids you would both like to have. Arrive at a number and trust God to take care of the rest.
10)  Spend time talking to your babies, laying hands on them, even in the womb, and pronounce all             kinds of blessings on them. Everyday say at least one word of glorious prophecy upon their lives.You will be pleasantly amazed at the creature you will produce at the end of the day!